Belarus Learns from China
by PotatoPanda88
Summary: First fic, so it's gonna be a bit bumpy. Belarus is trying to get Russia again, but Lithuania decides to help Belarus. He suggests going to the one person Russia likes; China. If Belarus does things right, can she get Russia's affection?
1. Lithuania has an Idea

I don't own Hetalia. Wish I did though. I'd give China shorter hair and make America a bit more chubby ^_^. Enjoy the story!

* * *

"Russia!"

Belarus was at Russia's door again, clawing at it with her long nails. Russia, needless to say, was cowering behind his couch as usual. Russia was also holding his pipe. Last time Belarus broke through, Russia was defenseless against her.

"Go away," Russia yelled behind the door, "I'm armed! I'm warning you!"

Lithuania had walked by the hall where all of this was going down. He sighed, watching Belarus break the doorknob away from the door.

"Brother! Please," Belarus yelled, "Come out of there, damn it!"

"Every day," Lithuania mumbled under his breath, walking to Russia's office. He had decided to drop off the papers Russia wanted into his room, instead of dealing with Belarus' drama. As Lithuania opened the door, he saw something that could get Belarus to stop being mean to him. He took a painting and left Russia's room, while putting his papers on his desk. As he walked down the hall, Estonia and Latvia saw the painting in Lithuania's hand. Knowing the inner workings of Lithuania's mind, Estonia had rushed forward to Lithuania and started to grab him.

"Lithuania!" Estonia was grabbing Lithuania by his collar. "Are you crazy!? If you screw this up, Belarus will kill you!"

"Yeah! But if it works, Belarus will stop being mean to me!" Lithuania had confidence in his plan.

"Well..." Lithuania looked down to see Latvia, wiping a tear from his face. "If you think it will work, then good luck."

"Thank you Latvia," Lithuania said, walking down the hall to Belarus' room, holding a painting.

"Ms. Belarus!" said Lithuania , knocking on her door. Belarus opened her door, to see Lithuania shaking a small bit.

"...What?" Belarus had said that with venom dripping from that one word. Lithuania was shaking even more.

"May I come in?"

"...No." Just a flat out no. It sounded even more stern than Belarus' first word.

"Hear me out! I believe I have found a solution to your Russia problem."

Belarus wasn't convinced, but she was now interested. She opened her door and stepped aside so Lithuania could step inside her room. Lithuania had a heart attack when he walked in. There were pictures of Russia everywhere, and pictures of the Baltics too, with knives in them. Belarus' motioned Lithuania to sit down on a chair near her bed.

"So," Lithuania said, as he sat down. He was still trembling, but he had a small air of confidence as Belarus had decided to hear what he had to say. "About your issue with Russia-"

"He's mine!" said Belarus, "And if you are thinking of taking him from me, that picture on the wall might be a reality!" She said that while pointing at a picture of Lithuania, with a knife lodged in his eye. Lithuania almost had another heart attack, and nearly fainted.

"N-n-no! I wouldn't t-take Russia f-from you. In fact, I'm going to help you get Russia to like you."

Belarus listened closely. "How?"

"Have you ever noticed that Russia hangs around China a lot?" Lithuania had took the painting he borrowed from Russia's room. It was a painting of Russia holding (a not so compliant) China.

"Well," Belarus had started to get what Lithuania was getting at. "He does hang around China a lot."

"If I tell you my solution," Lithuania began, "you must promise me that you will be nice to me and the others." Lithuania was shaking as he said those words, scared that Belarus would hurt him.

"Grrr... fine! What do I have to do?"

* * *

The time was WWII

The place was Hong Kong Harbor, when the Japanese had attacked*. Japan and his ship had arrived at Hong Kong's port, but Japan had seen something unexpected. He saw not only Hong Kong, but China, Britain, and a floating bear.

"Rook!" Japan had exclaimed to his men. "That bear is froating!"

"My name is Canada," Japan had barely heard that from the port. "Why won't anyone remember my name?"

"Hong Kong," China had said, "Go hide-aru. Me, Britain, and the floating bear will defend you!"

"I'm Canada!"

"Japan will be here any minute," Britain said. "China, go rally your troops. I'll hold them off with... um... Canadia?"

"For the love of maple..."

"Yes-aru!" China had dashed off to a building near the port. There, he had placed his army, armed with poor weapons and equipment. _At least the troops here have guns,_ China thought. He had recalled a regiment armed with only swords. They were effective, but most of them had died**. But none of China's troops were where he left them. In their place, a lone person in a panda suit was standing there. China had the urge to hug it, but remembered that time when it was really Russia.

"Oh no you don't!" China had drawn his sword. "You can't fool me again-aru! Ally or not, I have had enough!" China had dashed forward and with one stroke, decapitated the panda head from the suit. The mask had fell to the floor, but inside of it was part of a blue bow.

"You had intentions of hurting my brother?" China had heard a girls voice from the suit. His head was up to the suits (decapitated) neck, so he didn't know it was Belarus who was talking. Just then, Belarus had jumped out from the suit, to China's surprise.

"Belarus? Is that you-aru?"

"Yes. I came to you for advice, but you tried to kill my brother. Thank God I'm as short as you."

"Ah! Don't hurt me! I'm just stressed from the war with Japan, that's all. And my allies are no better. Right now, that firework maniac Hong Kong is being defended by that stupid arrogant Britain, and a floating bear.

"His name is Canada!" Hong Kong had yelled from another building, where he was hiding.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Belarus began. "On one condition." She walked up to China and pulled him towards her by his oversized sleeves.

"Teach me how to get Russia to like me."

* * *

*Hong Kong was actually attacked in WWII. China, Britain, and Canada rushed to Hong Kong's defense.

** China actually used swords in WWII, like Japan and their katanas. Because of gun shortages, a Chinese regiment used swords called Da Daos, against the Japanese. It was so effective, troops up against this regiment wore steel collars to defend themselves against decapitations.


	2. Belarus Cooks Chinese Food!

"Aiyaa..." China really didn't have time for this. First, Russia poking at him, and now Belarus wants China to help her.

"China," Belarus said, "Let me explain. My brother, Russia, only shows interest in you. Well, there was Alaska, but I hear that he was planning on selling Alaska to America. Anyways, if you help me to get Russia to like me, then that means Russia will stop bothering you too."

"Really?" China was thinking about it. Belarus was definitely scarier to work with than Russia, but if he succeeded, Russia might leave him alone, along with Belarus. Two birds with one stone, as they say.

"Alright- aru. But there is one condition."

"Yes? Anything if you can help me."

"You are aware of uniforms students wear when they are taught, correct- aru?"

"Yes? Why? Are you going to give me one of Japan's high school uniforms?"

"No, no, no. Something much more... suitable to my interests-aru."

 **20 minutes (and the defense of Hong Kong) later...**

"There we go- aru. |in this stressful war, it's so nice to see something happy. Belarus! Are you done changing yet?"

"Give it time, old man!" Belarus eventually stepped out from one of China's sliding doors. They were in his house, and China had put tea on the kettle, as Britain would put it. As Belarus stepped out, China nearly had a nosebleed.

"I'm going to kill you once your usefulness has expired, old geezer!" Belarus was wearing a Hello Kitty costume, with the bows and a hole cut out in the face so China could make sure it was Belarus. If Russia somehow stole one of China's H*llo K*tty costumes, he would be in deep crap. He had to make sure it was Belarus.

"You look so CUTE- ARU! Much better than your dress!"

"Just teach me how to get Russia's affection, damn it!"

"Fine, fine. Come with me."

China had walked Belarus down a hallway, until they reached a door that looked quite dusty. As China opened the door, Belarus had a coughing fit, along with China. It was full of dusty chalkboards, calligraphy kits, cooking utensils, and a bunch of classroom stuff

"Forgive me- aru. I haven't used this room in a long time. Ever since my younger siblings grew up, I had no one left to teach. Well- until now, I suppose." China took a feather duster from a cabinet and dusted a desk, a pillow, and the chalkboard.

"I suppose I'm supposed to kneel on that pillow? Don't you have any chairs?"

"Not many, compared to western standards, but Mao is changing that. Hell, Mao Zedong is changing everything about this nation. So much western stuff- aru. Which reminds me, here's a pen. I don't think you can use a calligraphy brush properly."

Belarus kneeled on the pillow, and put her pen on the low level desk. China had taken a bamboo stick and some chalk, and wrote on the black board.

"Alright," he said. "How to get Russia to like Belarus." He had written that down, but Belarus noted something.

"I can't read that."

"Why not- aru?"

"It's in chinese calligraphy."

"Sorry, but I don't know cyrillic alphabet. I only know chinese and english. Besides, this is for my reference only, so you don't need to read it- aru."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, what's the first lesson, teacher?"

Teacher. That was a word China hadn't been called by in a long time.

"First things first," China went, "We spy on Russia. We need to find out why he likes me."

"So we're going to spy on him? Nothing new to me."

"What-aru?"

"Nothing."

"Alright then. I have some binoculars, and some of Britain's camouflage. Let's go"

 **In Russia's office**

"But Stalin," Russia cried. "The troops are poorly equipped! We can't hold up defense against Germany for long!"

"But we must!" A mustached man in uniform replied. "Russia is the worlds biggest country! If Hitler was to gain this much land, do you know how many weapons he could make!?"

"(Sigh...) Da."

"Good. I have to go now. Take care of the place for me while I meet up with America's boss."

"Da."

The door closed, and Russia was left alone, again. The house of the Soviet Union was unusually quiet. Russia wondered why, and he drank his flask of vodka. And then, he realized why.

"Belarus!" He whispered under his breath. She was missing! What could she be doing that would keep her away from Russia for so long? The possibilities ran in Russia's mind.

 _Did she stop obsessing over me? Or is she taking the war more seriously? Or did she get together with Lithuania? I mean, I ship it, but it is kind of empty now. Oh well. More vodka for me!_

The Russian happily drank from his flask, unaware that there was a couple of people hiding in the bush outside of the room Russia was in. A light haired figure was holding binoculars, with a leaf in her hair. She looked at a black haired woman- er, man, who also had a leaf in her- I mean, his, hair.

"I'm not a woman- aru!"

"Keep it down!" Belarus whispered. She then took off her leaf, and turned to China. "Are you sure these leaves are enough to camouflage us? It's just a green leaf."

"It works when Britain does it. Have you seen every time he spies on the Axis in the anime? He always wears has something like that on."

"But it's the middle of winter!"

"Just watch- aru." China then yelled out loud, "FREE VODKA!". Belarus gave China a harsh stare, as she stood up to choke him. China stood up to defend himself, but they realized Russia was staring at them from the window.

"Crap!"

"Watch!"

"Oh," Russia casually said, "Just some trees. How strange that they are growing in winter, Da?" He then turned around to pick up a book from his shelf.

"Duck- aru!" China pulled Belarus down back into the bush.

"How did you- Is this leaf magic? That defied all physics!"

"Knowing the fact that I stole it from Britain, it probably is. Now, use those binoculars I gave you."

Belarus stared through the binoculars. She saw that Russia was reading a book on China. Namely, the food. Belarus then remembered the last winter celebration they had. Because the Union was on hard times, there was just alcohol and pierogies, with a side of borscht. Belarus got up from the bush, and dragged a screaming China with her to the south.

 **Back at China's home**

"Alright China," Belarus began. She handed him a wok and ladle. "Teach me how to cook your cuisine."

"...What- aru?"

"You heard me. The Union isn't doing well financially. I mean, have you seen our military equipment? Maybe China likes your food, because it's so warm and gourmet."

"Well, I can't teach you all of my dishes. Most were over 4000 years in the making. I can get someone who can teach you how to make the food that appeals to westerners the most, however."

"Who's that?"

"HONG KONG- ARU!" China yelled louder than a drunk America singing Ray Charles.

Belarus heard a muffled, but barely hearable reply from south of China's house.

"LIKE, WHAT IS IT!?"

"COME HERE! NOW- ARU!"

"WHY!? DID YOU BREAK A BONE DOING TAI CHI AGAIN!?"

"NO, FOR THE LOVE OF BUDDHA! JUST COME!"

An hour later, Hong Kong took one of Britain's cars to China's house.

"I like, told you to get one of Britain's telephones."

"No need- aru. Phone bill costs money, and our current system seems to be working."

"I spent the whole ride here swallowing cough drops and throat lozenges."

"Western medicine- aru!? You know that's not good for you!"

"Well, I can't have like, a warm bowl of ginger congee* in the car, can I!?"

"Actually, that's why we called you here. Belarus, if you will."

Hong Kong was confused. "Why is Belarus here. Doesn't she stick with Russia? Wait! Don't tell me! You and her are, like, a couple now!"

Hong Kong got a smack from China's bamboo disciplining stick, and a kick from Belarus to the groin.

"Anyways," started Belarus, completely ignoring Hong Kong's pain, "Teach me how to cook your food. China already agreed to teach me how to make char siu fan*, so you just need to teach me how to make dim sum."

"If it makes the pain stop, then sure. China..."

"Yes?"

"When this is over, you're taking me to a hospital to, like, get my balls checked."

"TMI Hong Kong. Now let's get cooking- aru!"

They walked into China's kitchen, where China picked up a rice cooker.

"You just put rice and water in, and press the button- aru! Hong Kong is making the barbecue pork. He will show you how to do it later. Just focus on the rice."

Belarus filled the rice cooker with water and rice. Doing good so far. And then she motioned her finger towards the on button

 **2 Grueling and Horrifying hours later**

"MY KITCHEN- ARU!"

"What?" Belarus was holding a bowl of rice with sliced pork on top. The dish would have looked good, had it not been accompanied by the backdrop of a burning kitchen.

"That's a simple dish," Hong Kong complained, "And I have to teach her how to make, like, dim sum and crap? There's not even a kitchen left to cook in."

"That's why we're going to your house, right" Belarus had said that with deceiving calmness.

"Diu!(Cantonese swear)"

Hong Kong drove China and Belarus to his house to cook dim sum. Belarus was holding the bowl of rice (covered with a bamboo lid, to keep it warm), while China was having a breakdown. China was curdled up in a ball, rocking back and forth.

"My soy sauce... My noodles... My rice wine... My cuisine... gone..."

Hong Kong turned to Belarus. "He hasn't been this shaken up since the Opium Wars with my adoptive dad, Britain."

"I don't think that even H*llo K*tty products will help."

"That reminds me, why are you wearing a H*llo K*tty costume?"

"Stupid China's idea of entertainment."

"Ah. That's nothing. When Britain let me visit China for the weekend, he made me wear a panda outfit."

They eventually reached Hong Kong's house. Not as elaborate as China's, but it suited Hong Kong's needs. Belarus and Hong Kong carried China into the bedroom, where China passed out.

"Thank Lao Tzu he has, like, a feminine figure. Otherwise, we never would have been able to carry him."

"Well, anyways, aren't you going to teach me how to cook?"

"Okay. Just, be careful. My place is small, so the fire would devastate my house."

"I'll try."

They walked into the kitchen, where there were bamboo steamers everywhere.

"I think it's best if we start with a simple dish. Har gow* would be too hard for a beginner. I think making a simple plain steamed bun will be sufficient for now. We can fill it with pork and meat another time."

Hong Kong taught her how to make the dough, which was different from the usual pierogies she made in the Union. Doing good so far. And then she tried to steam it with hot water on the stove.

 **Another 2 Grueling and Horrifying hours later**

"DIU! PUK GAI!" Hong Kong was swearing left and right. He finally lost his cool, to Belarus of all people. "My kitchen! (Sighs) At least you're better than Britain."

"I think I should stick to making Pierogies. I seem to be better at that instead of Chinese food."

"You should try making Japanese food. They eat raw fish, so no stoves for you to horribly abuse."

"Well, drive me to Moscow. I have the food, so I'm good."

"Wait. Like, Moscow in Russia? I don't have enough fuel for that long of a distance. Ask China. He should be awake by now."

Belarus put the buns into a steamer, and together with the rice, she put them into a larger bamboo container. She then went upstairs to where China was. China was not only awake, but listening to one of Hong Kong's radios from Britain.

"China," Belarus interrupted, "Take me to Moscow."

"Oh, you're done? How many dishes did you burn?"

"That's not- well, 17, but thats besides the point, geezer! I'm ready, now take me to Russia!"

 **At Russia's Place**

"It certainly is quiet without Belarus, Da?" Russia was talking to Latvia, who was playing chess with him. Latvia was losing on purpose, so Russia would not be angry.

"Yes it is, Mr. Russia!" Latvia got up to go to the door. Russia looked up from the opposite side of the desk to look at Latvia. And he had taken Latvia's queen too.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to make some borscht for you. It's getting colder too. I might as well make you some tea as well."

"That seems like a good idea Latvia."

As Latvia touched the door handle, It opened from the other side, with Belarus on that other side. Latvia nearly fainted.

"Ms. B- Belarus!" Latvia stepped aside for Belarus to walk inside. Russia's smile faded, and was replaced with a facepalm that would make Picard from Star Trek proud.

"My peace and quiet..."

"No need for borscht, brother. I have a present for you. Belarus set down the bamboo box onto Russia's desk. Russia looked up from his facepalm to the box, undoubtedly of chinese origin. Russia then smelled the aroma of rice and pork.

"Food?"

Belarus opened the lid to reveal a bowl of rice with a side of barbecue pork and plain steamed buns. There was also a cup of pu-erh tea on the side.

"I figured our regular food was getting to be boring, so I learned how to make Chinese food. I even made some Tea to replace our boring black one!"

A yell in a cantonese accent rang from behind the window.

"SHE, LIKE, BROKE THE RADIO AND THE TOILET TRYING TO MAKE THAT TEA! SHE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE THE KITCHEN! IT WAS HELL!"

Russia, ignoring Hong Kong's complaints, dug into the food with glee. He loved the first bite. He let Belarus and even Latvia have some, but Belarus wasn't happy at that. It was for Russia only! Anyone else but her couldn't have it!

"You are a good chef, Da?" Russia finished his tea, while turning to Latvia.

"This is amazing! Can you teach me how to cook like this?"

"No. Now anyways," Belarus said (quite coldly), "Since the food was so good..."

Belarus stood up and stared at Russia with her yandere eyes on.

"Will you marry me now?"

"This food was just trick so you could marry me? Nyet!"

"Well, I should be leaving," Latvia said, almost crying. 'Later!"

As Latvia dashed out the door, Belarus had pinned down Russia, who was crying.

"Marrymemarrymemarrymemarrymemarryme." Belarus was persistent.

"Nyetnyetnyetnyetnyetnyetnyetnyetnyetnyet." Russia was persistent too.

Just then, China burst into the room.

"Belarus, what the hell- aru!?"

"The food didn't work! He liked it, but he still won't marry me!"

"Because you rushed it, aru! Come back here now!"

"But-"

"NOW- ARU!"

Belarus (begrudgingly) released Russia, and walked calmly out of his office.

 **At China's House**

"Why didn't that work!?" Belarus was throwing knives at China, who was blocking them with a wok.

"You rushed it- aru! That was just cooking! There are still things to cover!"

"But I want him now!"

"You can't have him now! An impatient praying mantis will never catch the cri-"

"Shut up with your proverbs, old man!" Belarus had run out of knives to throw. Thank God. China's wok looked like a pin-cushion at this point.

"There are still a few lessons to learn. Just be patient- aru."

"Fine. But I only have so much patience"

Russia's place

Lithuania saw the whole event happen through the window, as he was patrolling for enemies. He saw the food, and the failed marriage attempt too.

"Looks like she took my advice after all. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. At least she isn't as hostile now."

Just as he said that, he was knocked out by a rifle end. The last thing he heard before he fainted was in an italian accent.

"Stupid Lithuania. I'll show that potato bastard Germany to mess with my brothers head!"

* * *

*Congee: A chinese rice porridge eaten usually bare with some additions. Ginger congee is a family recipe in my house, but other places have it too.

Char Siu Fan: Barbecue Pork with Rice. A common dish in chinese cuisine.

Har Gow: Shrimp wrapped in a thin transparent wrap. The skill of a Dim Sum chef is judged on Har Gow.


	3. Belarus learns Kung Fu!

Please note that martial arts are very hard to describe on a written work. If this was a comic, or an anime episode, it would be easier to understand, but fanfiction has no visual aid. That's good, because I have the animation skills of a lamp. Enjoy the poorly described fic!

* * *

Lithuania woke up to see that he was blindfolded. Last he recalled, Belarus had given Russia chinese food. Lithuania had ideas of what was going to happen to him. Would he be tortured? Hung? Shot? Beaten? And then he heard an italian accent.

"It seems you're finally awake-a." It was Romano, Italy's brother.

Lithuania lost all thoughts of what was going to happen to him. _Never mind,_ he thought.

"So," Romano began, "I bet you're-a wondering why I took you here."

"Well... no, not really. It's a war."

"Grr. Fine! I guess I'll just get some information out of you! Way to-a kill the Godfather vibe, bastardo!"

"Information? On what?"

"Basic things. Military formations. Equipment and-a provisions. Battle plans."

"No!"

"I guess we're gonna do this-a, the hard way!"

"Stop! What is that! No, no, no, no, NOOO!"

 **China's place, at the same time**

"I wonder where Belarus is-aru. She should be here by now." China was sitting in his room, watching some Peking Opera . China was skeptical of the west's new inventions, but this TV Britain gave him was very useful. As China drank some tea, Belarus burst through his door.

"China! I got it!"

"AIYAA! WTF-ARU! KNOCK FIRST!"

"Shut up and come, I have a new idea!"

 **China's Classroom**

China sat down on a chair, while Belarus kneeled on a pillow again.

"What do you want to learn now? Fashion? Architecture? Acupun-"

"Kung Fu."

"What-aru?" China was confused. Belarus was skilled the martial arts of... well, stabbing. Belarus pulled out a DVD from her dress. It was a chinese martial arts film. Crouching Panda, Hidden Kitty, to be exact.

"This," Belarus began, "Was in Russia's DVD box. This must mean he likes martial arts."

"This is the 1940's! We didn't have DVDs yet-aru!"

"Don't question it. Now, the lessons, if you will.

 **China's Backyard**

China was holding a pair of staves, and a pair of daos (chinese broadsword). He also had silk black pants and a white shirt, with a cat ears headband.

"I understand the uniform and the weapons, but the headband?"

"Wearings the usual Hello Kitty costume would be much to inefficient for this lesson. Now, before we do any actual training, we must meditate-aru."

"Meditate? What does this have to do with beating people up?"

"Belarus-aru. Kung fu is not just way of beating people up. You must accept the physical AND mental aspects of kung fu. Only then, you will be proficient in the martial arts.

Belarus wasn't happy, but it was China, so she would expect old man sayings from him. "*Mumbles death threats* Fine. Where do we meditate?"

China pointed up a mountain, which was very tall and menacing. Belarus wasn't happy.

"We have to climb that mountain-aru." It is isolated from earthly troubles, perfect for kung fu training."

"We need to climb this damn mountain?"

"No. I put some stepping stones and set out a path from when I taught my other students. Oh yeah, be right back-aru!" China stepped inside his house for a while, and came back with a couple of cloth bags filled with who knows what, then took a staff and tied the bags to both ends. He then gave it to Belarus.

"Carry this as you walk up the mountain. This will (somewhat) teach you discipline."

"I'm not carrying your crap, old man"

"Fine, don't get Russia's attention with awesome kung fu skills."

 **1 hour later, half way up the mountain**

"I hate you, geezer." Belarus was wearing the martial arts uniform China gave her, along with the cat headband. She was also holding the stick China gave her, along with another staff and the 2 swords China brought. China, on the other hand, was holding nothing, and was happily skipping up the mountain, in contrast to Belarus' crawling.

"We're almost there-aru! Don't be so slow!"

"I'm slow because you gave me all of this damn crap to carry up this mountain! I should have the occult curse you for this, but I'm trying to keep my patience."

They reached the top of the mountain, where there was a small flat piece of rock for training. On there were two stone pedestals. Belarus was tired, and she dropped the weapons on the floor. She gave the stick to China, and she fell onto the floor to nap. She was sweating like France in a porno movie. China went to a stone pedestal, and opened the two bags. Belarus looked up, and rushed to choke China, who dropped what was actually a meat bun.

"You made me carry your LUNCH!?" Belarus had almost wrapped her hands around China's (woman like) neck, when China deflected them with his arms. He then tripped Belarus, only to catch her before she hit the ground.

"For as long as we are up on this mountain," China began, "I am no longer to be called teacher. You will call me _Si Fu_. Now, eat up. You'll need the energy."

 **At Romano's place**

"Are you ready to-a talk yet, bastardo!?"

Romano had Lithuania tied to a bed, unable to move at all.

"Hahaha! No! Neve- hahaha!" Lithuania was having his feet tickled by Romano.

"Hmm. Tickle Torture is not-a working. It seems that I must-a move to the next level of torture."

"Thank God you stopped. Wha-what's next?"

"Tell-a me," Romano had pulled Lithuania close to his face, whispering, "Have you ever played football with an Italian before?"

 **Meanwhile, at China's mountain**

"Now then," China took his shirt off, showing his body that was both masculine and feminine at the same time. Belarus almost drooled, but she remembered how she would marry Russia. China sat down on a pedestal. "Let's get down to business."

"TO DEFEAT THE HUNS!" America's voice rang through the mountains. America was singing from across the world. "DID THEY SEND ME DAUGHTERS, WHEN I AS-"

"SHUT UP-ARU! THIS ISN'T MULAN!"

"What's Mulan?"

"Never mind, Belarus. Now, sit down and meditate."

Belarus sat down on a pedestal, and sat with crossed legs. She tried to meditate, but quickly interrupted China.

"How does this work?"

"What-aru?"

"Meditation. How does it work?"

China looked at Belarus. He sighed, and explained.

"Meditation is when you clear all of the thoughts in the mind. Let all thoughts escape you, and let the universe's energy flow through you. Feel the life force of Chi flow through you. Feel natures energy around you. The trees, the rivers, the sky; you must feel all of these flow within." China got up and went to the tree behind him. He picked up a plum, and gave it to Belarus.

"A plum?"

"Feel the energy of this plum-aru. It seems like a simple piece of fruit, but it is a part of nature, and a part of the universe. Try to focus on it, to understand it's universal importance."

Belarus held the plum in her hands, and closed her eyes. She meditated for 10 minutes, while China finished the last of the dim sum he made Belarus carry. When Belarus opened her eyes, she had more universal knowledge about the plum. China saw Belarus' face, and smiled.

"You are ready."

 **Romano's Backyard**

"Alright, I called my stupid-a brother to play with us. He will be goalie."

"Fratello!"

"What!?"

"Lithuania has no goalie!"

"It's not a real soccer game! We're just torturing him!"

"Umm..." Lithuania still had ropes binding his arms. "Can I take these ropes off now?"

"No! It's to assure you don't escape, or that you don't pull a hand ball!"

Romano pulled out a whistle, and blew it. The game had started, Romano kicked the ball to Lithuania's goal. It would have been a perfect shot, had it not been for Lithuania's presence on the field. Poor Lithuania got hit in his vital regions. Hard.

"AH! My balls! Sweet Barishnikov!" Lithuania was curled into a ball. He couldn't move his hands to comfort his hurt area, so his pain was immense.

"Get up! We still have 30 minutes left!"

"Fratello, shouldn't we wait until he gets better?"

"No, now let's-a play ball!"

Germany was spying on them with Japan. They were very confused.

"Werr," Japan began, "Itary's brother has gotten better at torture."

"Ja, zat's true. Remember ven he tried to torture Britain viz a tomato und a D*ctor W*o DVD?"

"Werr it worked, didn't it. Britain was in a coma for a week due to D*ctor W*O withdrawar."

 **Back at China's mountain (Please note that martial arts is hard to describe with no pictures)**

"Now that you have meditated, we will learn some Tai Chi."

"Isn't Tai Chi just some dance that helps with your back problems?"

"Not just that. Tai Chi Chuan is good for your mental health, as well as teaching you a softer way to fight enemies. It's like India's yoga, but able to hurt people-aru."

China stood on a pedestal, and showed Belarus a basic Tai Chi moves. He was rather graceful, really, moving his arms and hands as if he was as flowing as a river, but then China asked Belarus to punch him.

"Let me demonstrate how useful Tai Chi is in a fight."

"Belarus tried to punch China, but China moved his arms in a wide circle. His hand moved Belarus' punch upwards, throwing her of balance. Belarus tried again, but China moved back, while his hands moved down to deflect Belarus' punch. Belarus tried for a few minutes, until she got tired.

"I thought that stupid dance was just for health."

"It's not dance-aru! Now, Tai Chi is perfect for you, so it takes away the homicidal tendencies in your mind. Now, stand up straight. First, we will learn "White Crane Spreads it's Wings" as the first move-aru."

 **Romano's kitchen**

"Well, at least I'm alive," Lithuania said. "Were all of those kicks to my face necessary?"

"Sorry, but the ball was on your head, and I-a missed."

"You kicked me 13 times!"

"Well, you must suck at football-a then. Now! For your next torture, you must clean up after Italy cooks!"

"What? I don't think I can clean that much tomato sauce!" Lithuania stared at Italy with a nervous face.

"Don't-a worry!" Italy tried to make Lithuania feel better. "You can have some pasta later!" It didn't help for crap.

"Here's a cloth." Romano handed Lithuania a wet rag with holes in it. "Get cleaning, bastard!"

Lithuania sighed, and started to work on the monstrosity that was the Italian Kitchen.

 **China's mountain**

"Very good-aru. A bit rusty, but that's expected of a first timer. You did "Repulsing Monkey" pretty good!"

Belarus felt a bit more relaxed. Bu then China picked up a staff, and handed another to Belarus.

"China," Belarus began, but China coughed. "*Sigh*, Si Fu." China nodded in content. "I don't see how we apply a stick to what we've been doing with hands for the past hour.

"Belarus, with the staff, one can channel their Chi to a much farther range-aru. After this, we will learn how to use a sword." Belarus perked up when China said sword. Finally! A real weapon with a sharp edge!

"Now-aru," China showed her how to do a basic strike. Belarus did so. Good. Now he taught her how to do a downwards strike, where the staff had to hit the ground. Belarus did so again. Good. Now China taught her how to spin the staff. Belarus did so, again, but she let go of the staff at the end. It flew off the edge of the mountain, into the river below.

"Aiyaa... I liked that staff too-aru. Well, we might as well learn how to use the sword."

 **Romano's basement**

Lithuania was drinking vodka from a flask in his pocket. With all that tomato sauce mess, Lithuania needed something to ease the pain. He didn't get to enjoy his drink though, as Romano came downstairs with a phone.

"One-a last chance. Tell me your secrets, or else you're gonna get it."

"No! N-never! J-just don't d-do anything to me like make me c-clean that hell!"

"No. I'm-a going to be much more merciful, and call the mafia."

"What!?"

"Mussolini said he would remove the mafia from Italy*, but the mafia is still alive and well-a. Good thing too. They have ways of making you-a talk."

Romano dialed numbers into his phone, and talked into the phone.

"Yes? Hello? Is this the boss? No? Well, vaffunculo! And get me the Boss!"

Lithuania was nervous. The tomato hell was enough, but the mafia? Well, it couldn't be worse than Russia's mafia.

 **China's mountain, at the same time this was happening**

"This is called a dao. Dao actually means knife, so maybe you have some proficiency in this sword already."

"This is called a knife?" Belarus held a medium sized sword, with a curved handle and blade, and with the blade being wide tipped and weighted at the front. Belarus delighted at the sight of such a great murder weapon.

"Now, the dao is the perfect beginner weapon. In my old armies, an infantryman could learn how to use this in 10 days." China showed Belarus some stances and chops. Belarus was able to block all of China's attacks as they sparred. When they took a break, Latvia and Estonia rushed up the mountain.

"Ms. Belarus!" Latvia was sobbing, "Lithuania was taken by the Italians!"

Estonia spoke up. "Russia said that we have to get him back."

"Belarus-aru!" China turned to Belarus. "This could be a chance to impress Russia!"

"That's right!" Belarus took the sword and dragged the two remaining (and screaming) Baltics down the mountain.

 **Romano's basement**

"Fratello!"

"What!?"

"Three hairy men in suits are at the door! They have baseball bats!"

"Thats-a them! Let them in!"

Three men walked into Romano's basement. They did, in fact, have baseball bats, and one had a gun.

"Alright. Mario, you know what to-a do." Romano left the basement, leaving Lithuania with the three mafia men.

"D-don't hurt me!" Lithuania was still tied up in ropes, but he could still run around. Which he did. Very quickly.

"Come back-a here!" The men almost got hold of Lithuania until they heard a woman speak.

"Let him go." Belarus was holding one of China's swords to one of the men's back. That same man pulled the mistake of turning around to hit Belarus with a bat. Belarus, remembering how China moved backwards to deflect attacks, moved backwards while moving the sword to the bat. She flung the bat away, and kicked the man in the face

Another man tried to grab her neck, but she only tripped him with a low kick. The one with the gun aimed his gun at Belarus, but Lithuania knocked into the man, so he shot Romano's box of suits. With him distracted, Belarus punched the man in the face.

"Oh, thank you Belarus!" Lithuania tried to hug her, but his hands were tied, so that wasn't happening.

"I only saved you so that Russia would be impressed. Don't think of it as anything else."

"Speaking of the devil..." Lithuania and Belarus turned to the door, where the voice came from.

"That was very good fight, Da?" Russia was smiling, as he walked towards Belarus and Lithuania. He was also holding a crying Romano. He put his hand on Lithuania's shoulder.

"It is good to have you back. It was very quiet without Belarus already, so I was worrying what happened to you too."

"Ah, th-thank you M-Mr. Russia!" Lithuania was nervous that Russia would squish him. But then Russia turned to Belarus.

"Where did you learn how to fight like that?"

"Well, China taught me. Just like in your movies."

"My movies?"

"Yeah, the kung fu one. You know, with Br*ce L*e, and J*ckie C*an."

"Oh, you mean "Crouching Panda, Hidden Kitty?" I was just holding on to that for America. He's the one that likes movies like that."

"So... you don't like martial arts movies?"

"I don't mind them, but I prefer horror, Da?" At that statement, Belarus was steaming, and she was about to punch someone. Probably Lithuania. But then Russia spoke again.

"Thank you for rescuing Lithuania. You did good, Da?"

Belarus found some solace in that thanks, and then she left to go see China again.

"Can you-a put me down now!?" yelled Romano. Russia declined, and went home with Romano and the Baltics.

 **China's house**

China was watching some Peking Opera on his TV, when Belarus burst through the door again.

"AIYAA! WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KNOCKING!?"

"Russia wasn't as impressed as I thought he would be. He apparently doesn't like kung fu that much!"

"Well that's not my fault now, is it-aru!?"

Belarus dragged China down the hall, into the classroom.

"Well, I do know something about chinese culture that Russia likes."

"What is that-aru?"

"Chinese fashion. You have over 4000 years of fashion. Teach me how to wear your clothing!"

"Aiyaa, this is getting creepy."

Lithuania was spying on them from the window, with the same leaf China and Belarus used to spy on Russia last time.

"I don't think that suggesting this idea to Belarus was a good plan..."

Just then, Lithuania was grabbed and dragged to the west. "Augh! Stop that! Who are you!"

"Shut up! We're going shopping!" said a happy polish man grabbing Lithuania.

"Now, Poland?" Lithuania was close to crying. This didn't help the stress that Belarus was putting on him.

* * *

*Benito Mussolini, the leader of Italy during WWII, said that he would remove the mafia in 1925.


	4. Belarus Dresses Up and Builds a Bear!

"Belarus," China began, "My fashion would look a bit weird on a westerner." China was in his dressing room with Belarus. China was digging through his drawers to find woman's clothing. Belarus, on the other hand, was eating some char siu bao*. She went to see Hong Kong again, so he could teach her how to cook more advanced dim sum. Hong Kong hesitated to do so, with good reason. After all, Belarus had actually made some good food, but at the cost of Hong Kong's whole harbor. Hong Kong still wonders to this day, why she set a place near the friggin' sea on fire. Even some of the water.

"China." Belarus got up and put her dish down. She looked at a closet that was ajar, and she opened it to find about 50 different chinese dresses for women. "I think I found some clothes for me"

"Man, it's a shame that you can't wear the H*llo K*tty costume for this. Well, try some on-aru. I'll give you some privacy-aru. Pick out the one that you like best." China left the room, to go make some tea. He was actually expecting visitors today. China had not been well acquainted with this person, but he was in the Allied Forces, so Britain forced a meeting between them. He was also bringing a friend from the Soviet Union, so that meant that they would be friends with Russia. China shuddered at the thought, and walked down the hall.

China went to the kitchen, which was still under repair due to Belarus' attempt at rice cooking. At least enough kitchen was left to make some food and some tea. China turned on his (new and fireproof) rice cooker, and started to stir fry some vegetables. He had been expecting them in 20 minutes, so there was some time left to prepare some hospitality for the guests.

Belarus, on the other hand, was trying to figure out how some of the dresses worked. It was similar to western dresses, but there was much more sashes in most of them. She had found a silk robe that felt nice and comfy, but it was old fashioned, even for a geezer like China. She found one of She found a long skirt that overlapped a short robe ending near the torso, but that was a little complicated to work.. Eventually, she found one dress that stood out, and she picked it out from under the pile of many older looking dresses. She saw that it actually used proper buttons, and she showed relief at that. She had even found a book on chinese hairdo's, and she had taken some hair combs.

*Ding Dong*

"Aiyaa!They're here already-aru!?" China had put set up lunch for the guests already. He had also brewed some tea for them as well. Let's hope that they like Pu-Erh tea. China had opened the door to greet the guests, who were not at all what he expected.

 **Poland's house, at the same time this was happening**

"Liet! Hurry up!" Poland was wearing his green military outfit, along with some shiny and fashionable boots.

"Poland! I'm trying! This things too hard to work!"

"I'll help you in a second. I have to, like, get a present for our host!"

"Present?"

"I want to make a good impression, especially when they are not even from Europe. If I do this, I can, like, get more insight into him."

"What information would you need about him!?" Lithuania's voice started to strain. With what he was trying to put on, and from yelling downstairs to Poland, his throat started to hurt.

"Oh, you know. His fashion sense, his nation's food, and his animals! My ponies are cool, but I need, like, a scenery change.

"Well, if you're getting a present, that means you're not helping me any time soon!"

"Try to tie it to the bed! That usually helps!" Poland grabbed his laptop and went on a chat room. He tried to find one that Britain would be on. Luckily, he found a chat server called _France is a Frog._ That was obviously Britain, or at least his english side. His Scottish side is actually influenced a small bit by france**

 **A few minutes later**

Poland left with a list of things that his guest might like, so he went downtown to look for them. They were a little bit hard to find because it wasn't the most foreign of places, but he luckily found the things on his list. Lucky he talked to Britain on the chat room. He had history with the person Poland was going to visit, so he knew the host's culture enough to find a decent gift.

Poland returned home, and set bags down on the table. He went upstairs and saw Lithuania. He immediately saw why Lithuania was complaining. He had a corset tied an inch too tight, and he had the back strings tied to the top of Poland's bed. Lithuania was practically hanging off of Poland's bed.

"I didn't know you were, like, into kinky stuff!"

"Sh-shut up! This is not the funny!"

"I would have brought some whips if I knew this was gonna happen." Poland had said that with a joking smile, but Lithuania had taken that to heart.

"Oh God, NO!"

"Relax Liet! I'm going to help you with that corset, and then I'm going to help you put the rest of the oufit I brought for you!"

"..."

 **Back at China's house, where we left off**

"Ah... So you're Poland-aru." China was facing a blond smiling man in a military outfit, with a green cloack, kind of like France's.

"And you must be China! Here, I brought you a present!" Poland gave China a bag which felt like it had some clothes in it.

"Ah. _Xie Xie_!"

"Huh?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Umm... _Dziekuje_!" China barely knew polish, so he felt very awkward. China only felt more awkward when he spotted a brown haired man in a dress behind Poland.

"Ummm... Lithuania-aru?" China had barely recalled his name. He was a friend (servant) of Russia's, so he met him on rare occasions.

"Mr. China, please don't ask." Lithuania had a nervous chuckle after he said that.

"Aw... Liet is just embarrassed because he needed my help to get the corset on!" China had the look of pure confusion on his face. He was about to question Poland's grasp on the concept of gender, when a woman's voice sounded through the hall.

"CHINA! COME HERE NOW!" China sighed, and invited the 2 inside his house.

"Please, take of your shoes, and help yourselves to some sweets and tea I made. After I help my... friend, I will bring out lunch for us-aru." China walked down the hall into the dressing room, and heard noise coming from behind the door. China quickly opened the door to see Belarus holding a knife to South Korea. South Korea!? China had taken out his wok (from who knows where) and started to chase South Korea around with the wok.

"China, who's that?" Belarus was half dressed with hair curlers in her hair, and a towel barely wrapped around her.

"South Korea, what are you doing here-aru!? I have guests today!"

"But Aniki! I have something important to give you!" Korea had held up a broomstick in his defense."

"Well, why didn't you use the front door?"

"Because it was locked, but this window was open." Korea pointed to the window, which was indeed, open.

"That was me," Belarus spoke up, "It was very hot in here, and the window is facing Russia's border, so maybe it would get colder."

"Bullshit-aru! You just wanted a better look at Russia!"

"Okay, that too."

"*Sigh* So Korea, what was the important package?"

"Aniki, Britain says told me to give you this box." South Korea took a small box out of his... does he have pockets? Sure, let's roll with that. Korea took the box out of his pocket, and gave it to China.

"Thanks, but now you have to leave out the window-aru. I have guests, remember?"

"Okay!" Korea rushed to the window, but stopped to steal one of China's clothing. Specifically, one of his old robes.

"DAMMIT KOREA!" China had to attend to his guests, so he didn't chase Korea. Not yet. "Do you need help with dressing, Belarus?"

"No, I'm fine. I'm going to close the window now."

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea-aru." China didn't need a stray Japan climbing through his window. China left the room, and went down the hall to see Poland feeding food to Lithuania. Poland was force feeding Lithuania like a couple, actually.

"Liet! Open wide! Here comes the pony!"

"Umm..." China was, again, at a loss for words. He decided to look inside his bag Poland got for him. He was happy to come face to face with a giant dumpling plush.

"Aww... It's so cute-aru!"

"Mr. China... Poland... Can we please continue the meeting?"

"Ah, yes, but first, let's have lunch." China went in the kitchen and grabbed the fried rice he had made"

"So," Poland began. "America and Canada are going to land at Normandy, so they can atta-Mmm... What's in this rice?"

"Oh, just some sesame oil and a dash of soy sauce. So, if America and... Canadia, was it? Either way, they will have a close distance to France, so if they lose, they can fall back to Fra- Oh sweet Buddha, the doll TALKS!?" China pressed the plushie's mouth, for it to say "Eat me!"

Lithuania was staring at the two easily distracted nations. "Umm, can we go back to the-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah Liet. You're like, so impatient!" Poland and China started to establish and verify where America and Canada would land in Europe to join the war***. Not without occasional distractions, however. They managed to finish strategizing, and Poland was about to grab Lithuania to leave. It was then, that Belarus stepped in.

"Does this look good, China?" Belarus was wearing a Qipao (read as "chee-pow," Cheongsam in cantonese), a dress China had invented in 1920, to appeal to westerners. The perfect dress for Russia. The dress was form fitting, with no sleeves, and a short skirt that ended halfway through the calf. The dress was red, and made of silk. Belarus had also fixed her hair into a bun, held together with chopsticks. China almost fainted.

"Ah! Ms. Belarus! I had no idea you were here!" Lithuania was nervous, but Poland on the other hand...

"Oh my god! Belarus, you never told me you had a fashion sense!"

"It's not mine, idiot. It's China's." Poland ignored Belarus' use of the term idiot, and turned to China.

"You have to teach me chinese fashion. It's like, so cute!"

"*Sigh* Sure. Lithuania-aru. Can you watch Belarus?"

"W-what!? Oh, sure!" China walked down the hall with Poland, into the dressing room. Poland opened the door to see many silk robes and dresses, along with men's clothing too. But he was more interested in the dresses. Poland rushed into the room, and China ran after him.

Things were much more tense in the other room, however. Lithuania had been very quiet when Belarus was around. Belarus usually just gave Lithuania death glares. But this time, Belarus spoke up.

"The plan seems to be working, but not completely. Russia seems to be less nervous around me."

"Oh. He is?"

"Yes, so I suppose I should start holding up my end of the deal."

"Your end of the deal?"

"Yes. Being... being nice to you and the others. So..."

"So... Yeah." The awkwardness in the room escalated.

"Ummm... Hows that weather?"

"Um... Pretty good, I guess?"

"Yeah..." Belarus was going to talk about Russia, when China walked out of the hall with a Poland in a silk dress. It was the same as Belarus', but it was pink, and it had short sleeves.

"Doesn't this look cute, Liet?"

"Erm... Yeah it does." Lithuania learned to take in Poland's strangeness with stride. After they decided to leave, Poland and Lithuania said goodbye, and left to the car. Belarus turned to China, who was sighing in relief.

"Aiyaa... So weird."

"So, does this look good?"

"Oh, yeah! It looks great!"

"There's just another thing though."

"What-aru?" Belarus took China by the sleeves and started dragging him to a room down the hall.

"You have to stop dragging me-aru!"

"Well, it seems to work at getting you where I want."

"Against my will!"

"Meh."

Belarus opened a door to a room chuck full of dolls and plushies. Not just pandas and cats though. There were dolls of brown bears, polar bears, dogs, bunnies; anything cute. China realized what Belarus was doing. He looked at her with an angry face.

"No! Not my collection of dolls-aru!"

"Why not?"

"Because they're mine! Look. How aboout I take you to the B*ild a B*ar, where I'll buy you a bear!"

"Ugh, fine."

 **At the mall, that shouldn't have existed due to it being WWII and the communism and bullcrap...**

"Is this the right place?"

"Yeah. It is." China and Belarus walked inside to see a yellow room with stuffed animals everywhere. China gave Belarus 20 dollars, and he went to browse the new animals they had. Belarus went up to a girl who seemed to run the whole 'Build your own stuffed animal' thing.

"Ummm... Is this where I make a stuffed animal?"

"Yes ma'a- oh, your dress is so amazing! I mean, would you like to buy a bear?"

"Yes please." The girl took Belarus to a corner of the room where they made bears. China, on the other hand, was browsing a selection of panda plushies. It was here that he saw Spain browsing the tomato dolls.

"Spain-aru! What are you doing here?"

"Well, I was looking for a tomato doll for Romano's birthday! Look, this one has words on it!"

"What does it say?"

"It says... 'F*ck you'. It's PERFECT FOR MY LITTLE TOMATO!"

"Aiyaa. All I need to do is find a sushi roll that says, 'Herro, I am emotionarry constipated,' and I have a gift for Japan."

"You're looking for a gift for Japan? I thought you two were at war. Oh, are things _bueno_ between you two now?"

"No, I'm actually here for Belarus-aru."

"Belarus? I don't think they have any radish plushies... or Russia dolls."

"No, no. She's actually getting an actual bear"

"Oh? _Porque_?"

"Long story-aru." China and Spain then noticed something. Behind the two were dolls of many of America's kiddy shows, that were too anachronistic for the actual war, but not for a story.

"Oh my god. Are those D*ra the E*plorer dolls!?"

"They are! And look! Ni Hao K*i L*n dolls!" Span and China ran to the wall where they were sold. They both fanboyed over the dolls. Well, fangirled in China's case.

"HEY! Well, I can't even be mad, with all these cute dolls-aru."

Belarus,on the other hand, was having great difficulty with the doll.

"So I put stuffing inside the doll?"

"Yes ma'am! Just stick in that tube connected to the stuffing jar, and the bear will fill up!"

"But can't I just cut a hole in the bear and put in the stuffing myself?"

"Err... Not really. Besides, theres nothing to cut the bear wi-"

"She was cut off by the sound of Belarus brandishing a knife from inside her dress. She then stabbed a hole in the bear.

"EEP! W-well, I guess tha- that can d-do then!"

"Good. Now, how do we get the stuffing out of the jar. Why doesn't the cap open?"

"W-well, the stuffing is t-transported through that tube, and that goes into a slot only the s-stuffing can go through."

"This is gonna take a while."

 **30 AGONIZING hours later**

The girl that was helping Belarus was on the floor, and she had a knife in her back. There was stuffing and fur everywhere. Belarus, for some reason had been keeping her dress and hair neat, and she had made the bear too. It was a brown bear with a russian hat, and a vodka bottle. She went out to find China, but she was surprised when she found him.

"No! K*i L*n is so much better then that ugly haircut D*ra!"

"You better shut that mouth! D*ra is way better then that _puta_!"

China was on one side of the store, with Spain on the other. They both had forts made of dolls, and were throwing plushies at each other.

"Umm... why?" Belarus went over to China's side

"Ah, Belarus!" China had snapped out of his war like state. "You're done-aru? Let's go now."

"Hey, Belarus! You look very good in that!" Spain's (loud) voice hollered through the store. Belarus, being a mix of murderous and embarrassed, just left with China.

 **Russia's place**

"But Stalin!"

"No, I have to go! Winston Churchill is expecting me. This is about the war, too, so it's very important!"

"...Okay..." Russia watched as the man walked out of the front door. He was all alone. Lithuania was doing God knows what with Poland. Probably screwing. Knowing Poland, it's probably kinky stuff. Estonia was hanging out with America, as his computer broke again. And Latvia was talking to Britain about a new nation the British were building. Sea World, was it? Or was it Sealand? No, Sea World sounded better. Ukraine was just hanging out with... her cabbages, pretty much. No, that's not a sexual euphemism. And Belarus. Oh God, WHERE'S BELARUS NOW.

Russia was panicking. "I shouldn't have complimented her the other day! Now she is probably doing the stalking on me!" Russia rushed (Hah, get it? Cuz it sounds the same when-nevermind) to the dining room. He had installed a secret door there to hide in a bunker stocked with enough vodka and photos of China for a life time. But he saw Belarus in the room, and lost his shit.

He then saw something else on Belarus. Her hair was in a chopstick bun, and she was wearing a nice new dress. She was also holding a brown bear plushie with a cute hat and vodka.

"Ah, Belarus!"

"Russia! Hello!" Belarus was attempting to smile, as China told her before he dropped of Belarus.

"Belarus, you look very different today!"

"Thanks Russia! I hope you like the new look."

"The new look? You mean, you're wearing this from now on?"

"Is there a problem with that?" Belarus' heart dropped. Did she waste a day with China again?

"No, I like the look. It's just-I am so used to you wearing that dress of yours from before."

"But, I did this for y-"

"You look pretty just the way you are Belarus! You don't need to do the faking, Da?" Belarus should have felt a bit angry, but she realized something. Russia thought she was pretty with the way she looks?

"Oh. Thank you brother. I must go now, I'm sorry!" Belarus rushed out the front door, and stole Russia's car. Russia went out the door too.

"Wait! My car! I was going to buy more pipes. NOT THE PIPES!"

 **China's house, at night time**

"Ha! That will teach Japan to piss me off! I took one of his hentai books-aru! Now, what secrets does Japan's mind really hold?" China was in his bed, holding his panda and a japanese hentai. Boy, was China in for a surprise.

"Alright, good so far. Okay, that boy is wearing a dress. And he's going into the bathroom. Oh god, why is he doing that in a public school-aru? Oh god, are those 2 girls with- THOSE GIRLS HAVE DICKS-ARU!" China wanted to look away, but he just couldn't. Luckily, before China found tentacles, Belarus burst through China's window. China threw the book under the bed so Belarus wouldn't find it.

"AIYAA! MY WINDOW! My precious window..." China stared at Belarus with contempt, but Belarus just grabbed him by his collar.

"Russia likes me for me! Oh my GOD!" Belarus was just shaking China back and forth, giving him the biggest headache.

"Ow! Belarus, my head hurts-aru!"

"Whoops, sorry! Either way, I still need your help with things!"

"Like what?"

"I still have to brush up on some skills. If I'm going to have Russia's children, I need to learn parenting. Give me one of your siblings. I need to babysit them!"

"What!?"

* * *

*Char Siu Bao: A type of steamed bun with BBQ pork. A staple in dim sum

**A few scottish dishes can be derived from french dishes. Not much though

*** When America and Canada stormed Normandy in WWII. Better known as D-Day


	5. Belarus Babysits Hong Kong!

"I don't have anyone that is young enough to have babysat," China began, "They are all either too old or too hostile towards me. Both in some cases-aru."

"Are you sure you can't think of anyone?" Belarus was sharpening a knife near China. China was doubting whether he should place anyone into Belarus' hands.

"Well, I suppose that I could give you..." China was looking at a map of Asia. Japan was a definite no-no. Korea would drive Belarus mad. Taiwan and Vietnam were probably going to get into a cat fight with Belarus. Perhaps a literal fight with Vietnam.

"Ummm... Hong Kong... I could give you him."

"Didn't he teach me how to cook? Now I'm babysitting him? Isn't he old enough to take care of himself?"

"Well, he is the youngest of my siblings-aru. I can get Britain to do me a favor, though." China started thinking of a plan, while smiling.

"China, what are you thinking?"

"Oh, nothing. I'll be back though. I have to visit an ally of mine. Don't stab anything in my house, okay?"

"Ummm...okay?" China left the door, and got into his car. He had a plan that would both fulfill Belarus' request, and to get back at Hong Kong for a few pranks.

 **Great Britain, tea time**

Britain was having high tea in his yard, enjoying watching the gnomes run around in his garden. He loved seeing them play with the fairies, and sometimes Flying Mint Bunny would fool around with them too. Britain was stressed, however. Stalin, the head of Russia, had talked to Winston Churchill about military formations, and now Britain had to reorganize some things.

Britain got up and went inside to fetch some snacks for the fairies and gnomes, but he was surprised to see India in his kitchen.

"Raj*, what the hell are you doing here?" Britain was most displeased his presence.

"Well," India began, "Japan was starting to press into my land, I was confused if he was going to help me, or be an enemy**. I came to you for counsel, seeing as I am a colony of yours."

"What? Well, can't you get China to help you?"

"Well, I am not completely on the Allied Forces, and China is biased against Japan. Perhaps Burma will-"

"Never mind that, how the bloody hell did you get in my house?"

"When I became a colony, you gave me a key to your house, remember?"

"Oh yeah, right. I wonder if any other of my colonies still have those keys." Just as he said that, China burst through the door, holding Hong Kong by the waist.

"Like, let go of me."

"No-aru, now, Britain! I need to have a word with you."

"Great, Raj, China, Hong Kong, when is another asian going to come through the door?"

"Britain, you know that America just bursts through the window." India continued to stir something in the pot on the stove."

"Hey! Did I say that you could use my kitchen?"

"I sampled some of that 'curry powder' that you are so fond of, and it tasted horrible. I decided to make some real curry."

"OOH! Theres curry-aru!" China didn't have curry in his cuisine that often, but he did have it occasionally.

"Ah, China! Would you like some? I made some rice to go with it too!"

"Can we sort this out without curry?" Britain was confused as to why 3 asians were in his house.

"Ah, yes, but let us discuss over curry dinner, yes?"

A while later, India, China, and Hong Kong were at Britains table, eating curry with rice. They were also drinking some of Britain's expensive Earl Grey Tea. Britain was pissed.

"Once you have finished eating that brown crap-"

"You're one to talk. You, like, burned the kitchen more than 4 times when I saw you making that crap you call 'Shepards Pie'."

"Shut up, Hong Kong! That's good food!"

"Either way, Mr. China, I believe you should talk to Britain first." India got up and went to Britain's yard, where he was going to steal Britain's tea back.

"Hong Kong, you better go with India-aru."

"Hong Kong got up at went with India. He was going to piss off Britain by ruining his fairies won't be happy at that.

"Britain, I have a favor to ask of you."

"Oh? And why should I help you?"

"Why-aru? Let me count the ways. Opium Wars, Hong Kong, tea imports, the fact that we are allies, stealing my cuisine and making it utter shit-aru. 'P*nda E*press', was it?"

"Don't look at me! That stupid Panda restaurant is America's thing!"

"I should have known. Orange chicken cooked by you would be black and crusty-aru. Either way, on to my favor..."

"China, if this is another import of sewing equipment to make panda dolls, I'm all out of thi-"

"No, no, no, that's not what I want. Well, actually, I do want that, but that's besides the point. You can do magic, right?"

"What? Who told you that?"

"I asked America about you. Said he saw you talking to imaginary fairies and leprechauns."

"Ugh. Fine, what do you need me to curse?"

"Curse? I thought that's America's Voodoo thing."

"Voodoo? Never mind. Point is, I can curse things, and summon stuff as well. What do you need me to do?"

"Well, I need you to turn Hong Kong into a baby."

"...What?" Britain looked outside and saw Hong Kong putting firecrackers in the garden.

"Hong Kong! The goblins are coming back! Piss off from there!" Hong Kong's fireworks went off, and goblins were taping gnomes onto them as they flew into the air. Britain cried out in horror, while China just looked at him in confusion.

"Well... I need you to turn Hong Kong into a baby. I need Belarus to take care of him."

"Belarus!? You already screwed up this child, and now you're planning on giving him to Belarus?"

"He's is your colony! You raised him! I just need to borrow him for a day or 2, and then you can have him back-aru."

"All right, fine. But you have to give me something to compensate for Hong Kong."

"Fine,what-aru?"

"Hmm... I suppose that your next shipment of tea will do."

"I thought you hated my tea! You say it's too bitter-aru!"

"Not if you add milk and sugar in it."

"Milk? So you're the reason why Hong Kong makes milk tea! You know what, fine! Just turn him into baby!" Britain got up and got Hong Kong from the yard. Hong Kong was putting firecrackers to the gnomes so they could defend themselves. He could see the creatures because he has the magical eyebrows.

"Kong! Stop that, you'll attract more goblins! Come here, I have something to show you!" Hong Kong walked to the door and went inside with Britain. China stepped outside, not wanting to witness Britain's time Britain summoned something, Russia found a new way to get to China. China plopped down on a chair near India.

"So, how did Britain managed to screw up your good food-aru?"

"I don't know. He says he does magic, but I think the only magic he does is summoning those abominations he calls 'dinner.'"

"Yeah. I'm surprised he didn't make an instant dim sum since Hong Kong is his colony." Just then, a loud POOF and a large flash of green light emerged from the house. Britain stepped out while holding a chibi Hong Kong.

"Hong Kong? You're cute again!"

"Here's the baby, China. Now, when you return him, return him in one piece along with my tea."

"Yes, yes, I got it."

"By the way, did you open that package I sent Korea for?" Shit! China forgot the package from the other day, when South Korea got into his house! He'll open it when he gets home. Yeah, that's a good idea

 **China's house**

"Belarus! I have the baby!" China drove home to find Belarus through the window, in the kitchen. China lept out of the car with baby Hong Kong and kicked through the window.

"NO-ARU! NO COOKING FOR YOU!" Belarus was trying to make rice again.

"But why!? If I can't cook for the baby, how am I going to feed it?"

"I have baby food from Britain. Feed Hong Kong that."

"Hong Kong? Did Britain do something to him? Never mind; if it's Hong Kong, he'll want buns!"

"Just mold the food into a bun shape-aru. Now I have to leave, since I have to collect enough tea to pay Britain back. Good luck-aru!" China was out the door. He decided he wouldn't be in the room that Belarus was going to take care of one of his troublesome siblings. Belarus was left alone in the house holding a baby Hong Kong. China also took Britain's package with him.

"...How do you work? Is there a button or something?" Hong Kong was sucking his thumb. Belarus was disgusted at the saliva on Hong Kong's hand.

"...Mama?" Belarus had a heart attack. She was called mama by one of China's brothers

"No, I'm just babysitting you for the day. China's your mama."

"HEY! I AM NOT WOMAN-ARU!"

Ignoring China's yell, Belarus took Hong Kong upstairs to watch some TV. Hong Kong was very western, due to Britain, so Hong Kong might want to watch some TV. They went to China's room, because they were both intent on messing it up. Belarus changed the channel to K*i L*n, and set Hong Kong down.

"...Do you want food or something?"

"...Dim sum."

"Really?" Belarus went downstairs and grabbed a can of baby food. She muttered death threats to China while molding the nasty substance into a bun shape. She took it upstairs to Hong Kong, now mesmerized by the TV.

" _Can you say, Ni Hao?"_

"No, pok gai!"

"Hey, kid. I have your food." Belarus set the dish in front of Hong Kong, who stared at it weird. Hong Kong started poking at it too, and was thoroughly unimpressed with his lunch.

"Aren't you going to eat it?"

"No!" Belarus couldn't choke a baby, so she was thinking of ways to feed the Hong took the food and went to the kitchen again.

She grabbed some dough and put the baby food in it. She folded it into a bun, but realized that she wasn't allowed to cook in China's kitchen anymore. Meh, who cares? Belarus moved her hand towards the stove, when she got a text message.

[China: Don't touch the stove!]

[Belarus: How do you know that I was going to cook!?]

[China: Spidey Senses tingled, as America would put it]

Belarus was frustrated. She just decided to feed Hong Kong the uncooked bun. She went upstairs to see Hong Kong playing with a firecracker.

"Hey, I have your bun." To Belarus' surprise, Hong Kong actually ate it. But there is a downside to eating raw food.

"...Poopy!"

"What?"

"Poopy!"

"...God dammit China!"

Belarus took Hong Kong up into the change room to change his diaper. She set Hong Kong on the bed. Good so far. Then she motioned her hand towards the diaper.

 **2 EXCRUTIATING hours later**

Hong Kong looked as if he was fine, while Belarus was traumatized. The one person in the world who can make Russia scared, and she was horribly traumatized. Belarus pulled out a phone.

"Who calling?" Hong Kong blabbered.

"The Church. We need to excorsize this madness."

Hong Kong went downstairs into the playroom. Belarus was too pre-occupied with calling Romano and apologizing about the mafia incident so that she could borrow the Pope for a few minutes, that she couldn't see Hong Kong climbing down the stairs into the playroom. When Belarus put away the phone, she saw that Hong Kong was missing.

" _PIZDETS_! Where did he go now!?" Belarus searched in every corner of the house, until she reached the playroom. She saw Hong Kong put firecrackers into teddy bears, and chucking them out the window, only to have them explode later.

*BOOM*

"OW! Hory Buddha, frying bears are attacking! Run for your rives!"

"OW! I haven't felt this much pain since my favorite korean drama cancelled!"

"NO! My bubble tea!"

"My boat!"

"Hong Kong was chucking them at the entirety of Asia, much to Belarus' content.

"Alright kid, that's not bad, but don't run off on me like that again."

"Bear?" Hong Kong gave Belarus a firecracker and a teddy bear.

"No, I'm fine. Let me show you how the pros do it." Belarus stuck a knife in the bear, and chucked it out of the window. It went much farther than when Hong Kong threw it. It even reached Europe.

"Mon dieu! That almost hit my rose!"

"Well it wouldn't have happened if your bloody dick wasn't nea- NO! My tea table!"

"...My Ikea store..."

Hong Kong actually broke his straight face, and started to laugh. Belarus started laughing too. Maybe this wasn't so bad.

 **Outside, in the park**

China was taking a calm walk in the park. He was headed to the harbor, where he would buy a crate of tea for Britain. People were doing tai chi, and one person was making a tank. Nice to see the military efforts are well. China sat at a bench, and started to unwrap the package. Inside there was an envelope, and a picture of a panda. Nice touch.

"So, let's see what is inside this envelope. China opened it, and started to blush intensely. He was about to rip up the card inside, when he heard an explosion, followed by screaming.

"No! My McD*nalds! WHY!?"

"Son of a b- why did they have to aim for the hockey stadium?"

"My ice cream!"

China rushed back home, forgetting the tea, to see Belarus and Hong Kong on the balcony of the house. They were throwing knives and fireworks at other nations.

"Belarus! You are supposed to take care of him, not be a psycho with him!"

"...Mama?" Hong Kong pointed to China as he said that.

"Yeah, that's her."

"For the last time, I am not woman-aru! Now get down from there!"

"Fine..." Belarus grabbed Hong Kong and went downstairs to meet up with China.

"Do you know what you have done? I owe those nations alot of money now!"

"They don't know it's you, relax."

"Gah, fine! Either way, take a look at this card in the package Korea gave me." China held up the card that was in the package. Belarus took it, and read it.

 _China,_

 _I asked Britain to send this to you because I know you won't open it if it said 'Russia' on it, you would not open it. I need to tell you something. I am very lonely all by myself, and even in this alliance, it is very dull. I have barely any company, since the Union is too busy hiding from me. Belarus is just giving me the wrong kind of attention. That's why I like you. You get along just fine on your own, and I know no one else who is more independant than you (besides Japan). That's why I like you. You have the longest history ever of beauty, music, and art. I know my advances are creepy, so I sent you this letter to tell you why I do it._

 _Russia_

"I am still confused as to why Britain sent Korea to do give me the package-aru. Huh, maybe he is just a lazy ass like America."

"...Russia... He really likes you, huh..."

"Belarus, are you... okay?"

"I'm fine. In fact, I have a plan!"

"What?" Belarus grabbed China by his collar, and dragged him inside his own house, while China was crawling after them. Belarus sat China down on a chair, and she sat down as well.

"In the letter, it says he likes your music and art! Teach me how to play your instruments, and how to paint your art!"

"I believe you are missing the whole point of the letter-aru!"

"Just teach me, old man!"

"Fine, but you have to wear the H*llo K*tty costume for this lesson!"

"Why?"

"I forgot the costume for you because I was in a rush to leave a house with a pyromaniac baby and a stab happy woman who can scare RUSSIA out of all people." Just then, a weird smell emanated from behind them.

"*Sniff sniff* China, did you have szechuan food again?"

"No! Did you have spicy pierogies again?"

"Oh... My head, like, hurts so much." Hong Kong was on the floor, fully grown and back to normal.

"Hong Kong!" China yelled. "You're not cute anymore! Why!?"

"I can't believe you made Britain do that to me. I'm outta here, but watch your back old man. Oh, and Belarus. Thanks for taking care of me, because of some prick who made me into a baby." Hong Kong left out the front door, and China and Belarus were left standing there, alone.

"Well... That was awkward. So, are you going to teach me or not?"

"Fine! But tomorrow! It's late now!" Belarus looked out the window, and it was indeed late. The moon was almost up.

"Well, what do I do until then?"

"Don't you have a family or something-aru? I'm tired, and I have to sort out some weapons for the war!"

"Fine... See you tomorrow, I guess." Belarus was getting tired too, as she walked out of China's door. Suddenly, China remembered something.

"I forgot the tea! DAMMIT!"

* * *

*"Raj" was the name for India while it was a colony of the British. It means "Rule" in one of the languages in India

**India and Japan's relationships in the war aren't easy to determine as friendly or hostile


	6. Belarus Learns the Arts!

**Sorry about not updating this for a month and a half. There was graduation, then a camping trip, and a trip, and studies, and I just got back into the Elder Scrolls games, and a whole bunch of stuff I am too lazy to put down. And Steam too. I got Hatoful Boyfriend and a bunch of other distracting games, but that** **'s besides the point. Enjoy the story**

"Latvia!" Estonia was looking for Latvia, the shortest one out of the Baltic Trio.

"Estonia! Come here!" Latvia's voice rang through the hall, from the bathroom. Estonia reluctantly walked into the bathroom where Latvia was. Estonia knocked on the door.

"Latvia? I need to talk to you."

"Same! Get in here!"

"Come out here! It's about my laptop! I know you're hitting puberty, so did you download any porn on my computer? It has a virus!" Estonia was looking at his laptop, which had a half rendered picture of a nude lady and a pop-up with a virus alert. He dropped it, though, as the door opened and Estonia was pulled into the bathroom.

"Ah! Latvia, be careful!" Estonia had suddenly noticed Latvia wearing a helmet and holding a gun, while shaking terribly.

"Shh! What if she hears you?"

"She? Who's sh-"

"B-Belarus! Haven't you noticed anything different about her?" Estonia started to think about the other day.

 **The Other Day, Dinner Time**

"Hey, Estonia."

"Ah, Ms. Belarus! W-what can I do for you?"

"Um, make dinner, I guess?"

"Yes. Pierogies again?"

"Actually, no. Do we have any rice?"

"Rice? You mean, like, Chinese rice?"

"Yeah. Make that."

 **The Bathroom**

"Yeah, she did want something different for dinner the other day. But so what, she wanted a change of taste. Nothing weird about that, right?" Latvia shook his head.

"No, there's more."

 **Yesterday**

"Oi, Latvia!"

"Oh! Y-yes Ms. Be-Belarus!"

"Make some tea."

"Er, yes ma'am!" Latvia brewed some tea for Belarus, and brought it to Belarus on a tray.

"Here you go B-AH!" Latvia tripped over his shoelaces and dropped the whole tray on Belarus, who was now soaking wet.

"Agh! My dress!"

"OH SHI- MS. BELARUS PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" Latvia was shrinking in his boots, while he braced for a stab from Belarus.

"I'm fine. Just a spill, it's fine Latvia."

 **Bathroom**

"What? She let you off just like that?"

"Yeah! I was expecting her to stab me! I think she is biding her time, waiting for the right moment to attack!"

"Latvia, don't be ridiculous. I'm sure Belarus-"

Before Estonia could finish, the door opened, and Lithuania walked in.

"Why are you both in here? Latvia, is puberty making you want to... _explore?_ "

"N-no!" Latvia was blushing as red as a tomato. "We're discussing Belarus."

"Belarus? Why?"

"Lithuania, haven't you noticed?" Estonia walked closer to Lithuania. "Belarus has changed. She is nicer now!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you guys that! The plan worked! Belarus is with China now, and she is being nice to us because I told her about China"

"Ch-China? You got Belarus a girlfriend?"

"China's a boy, Latvia... YOU GOT BELARUS A BOYFRIEND!?"

"No, Belarus is learning from China on how to get Russia's attention." Latvia and Estonia looked at Lithuania, and began hugging him.

"BLESS YOU LITHUANIA!" They both cried, tears of joy spilling from their eyes.

 **China's Place, at the Same Time**

"Belarus! You're here-aru." China and Belarus were in China's class room, now dusted an tidy. The window was open, and sunlight and the sound of chirping birds aired into the room. China was wearing an apron, and he held up a brush. Belarus held a brush too, but under her apron she wore a H*llo K*tty outfit, on China's orders. Both were kneeling behind short tables and they both had a roll of paper in front of them.

"Do I really have to wear this stupid costume when we're painting?"

"All you need is your hands, eyes, and imagination for this lesson-aru."

"What if I get it dirty?"

"Well, you have an apron, right? Besides, if you manage to get it dirty, even with the apron, I will teach a new lesson-aru!" China beamed a giant smile as he said that.

"What lesson would that be, old man?"

"How to discipline people-aru."

"...Oh."

"I'm chinese, I will do it you know."

"So, aren't we here to paint?"

"Ah, yes-aru! Now, today we are going to learn how to paint. But not just paint with a brush. We will learn incorporating chinese philosophies!Now, watch me paint a simple circle." China dipped his brush into a small pan of black paint, and painted a basic circle. Hey, it's not exactly easy to do a perfect circle.

"China?"

"Yes Belarus?"

"What's so special about a circle?"

"Ah, young student, it is not the circle that is important; it is the space inside it that is important."

"Is that one of your stupid proverbs?"

"Yes, as long as you remove the 'stupid' part. Now, with this circle, you can paint many things. A wheel, for example, can be made by-"

"Why would I want to paint a wheel?"

"Belarus, you need to see the big picture. A circle can be painted into a wheel. A wheel can be painted into a cart. A cart can be painted with a horse. The cart and horse can be painted into a village. And then, you have a beautiful painting of a lively village with a cart and horse in it."

"And why would I want to paint that?"

"...Do you want to get Russia or not?"

"Fine, just teach me how to paint a stinking work of art!"

"Alright. Now, what I explained just now is too hard for a beginner like you-aru. Instead, we will paint a basic symbol. The Yin-Yang Symbol."

"The what?"

"You know, that circle that's half white, half black, with a seed of the opposite shade in each side?"

"Oh, that. Well, it can't be too hard, right?" Belarus painted a circle onto her paper. It was very crooked and crappy.

"Ah, Belarus, you are not doing it right-aru."

"Well, isn't that obvious, geezer."

"Look," said China, moving his brush to the corner of Belarus' page. "You must not think too hard about painting a circle. You must only do."

"What?"

"Aiyaa... This is gonna be a long day-aru. Don't think too hard about making the circle perfect. Too much spice ruins the curry, as India would say. Think about that Belarus."

"I don't think he's ever said that. In fact, I think you think that India said it because it was a saying about curry."

"Good point. Other nations have curry too-aru. Thailand, for example, makes a mean coconut curry!"

"Enough about curry. We are painting, no?" Belarus had started to think about what China had said.

 _Too much spice ruins the curry._ Belarus was in deep thought about this, as China had turned on a television. _Too much spice, ruining curry... OH!_

"I know. Too much thought into the circle will only ruin the painting."

"Huh? Oh- I mean, yes Belarus. Something among those lines-aru."

"China, what are you watching?" Belarus looked at the TV, which had 2 chinese ladies arguing

" _You did what!? You knew he was my husband!"_

" _I couldn't wait for my husband to return from his trip. I was lonely, and he was shirtless!"_

" _You little bi-"_

 _*Static noises*_

"China, did you hear anything I said?"

"Yes, I did. After more than 5000 years, I have learned to multitask. For instance, teaching you painting and watching 'Real Housewives of Beijing'-aru."

"Well, did I get it right?"

"Yes, now apply that understanding to the paper-aru" China watched as Belarus closed her eyes, and painted a circle with one stroke. Cleaner and more elegant than her first time.

" _Hau!_ Now you must draw the symbol inside."

"Okay. It's really simple looking." Belarus painted a curving line down the middle, the dots, and colored it in. To anyone else, it would have been a boring painting. But to Belarus, it meant one step closer to Russia.

"Good-aru. Now we will try to do something more advanced. Let's draw some flowers!"

"Shit."

China took a fresh piece of paper, and painted a flower. He used elegant, long, sweeping strokes of the brush, and he managed to create a simple but beautiful painting of a flower. A bit hard to visualize with only text, so look up a picture or something- I dunno.

"Now you try! Remember; for the stem, start from top to bottom in one stroke-aru."

 **America's House, at the same time**

"I need a burger."

"Your first appearance on the story, and you already spent the burger joke. 'Ow unrefined, unlike _moi._ "

"Shut up France! _Your_ first appearance on the story, and you already spent the snooty attitude thing!"

"Well, before we start arguing, we might as well discuss why you called me over 'ere."

"Oh yeah! Well, it's just that, I haven't seen much of China lately. The war is proving harsher and harsher, and China's keeping to himself alot more man."

"'mm... _C'est vrai, tres vrai. Le fluer chinoise-"_

"Speak american!" America and France suddenly heard Britains voice from across the sea.

"It's english, you ruddy git!"

"Fine, if you want me to talk in such a barbaric language! It's true, very true. The chinese flower 'as not shown 'is beautiful face around as much as 'e used to. I am starting to miss 'im"

"Not just that, but I still need to borrow money from him!"

"Well, it would make sense if 'e was just occupied with the war in Asia, _non?"_

"Yeah, good point. Maybe we should check up on him, just in case."

"Well, it couldn't 'urt. 'Ow should we get to China's 'ouse?"

"Well, we can always go west, but Japan's there."

"Well, what if I charm Japan's new _fille,_ Taiwan? She would let us see China, right?"

"No, remember when you flirted with Vietnam? Those Catholic Missionaries?*"

"Well, I now know not send send any. Besides, Taiwan seems more tame than Vietnam."

"Dude, why don't we just ask Russia to spy on China? I mean, the commie really likes China, and we can pay him to do it."

"Alright, but I don't trust that man-child."

 **China's House**

"Not bad-aru. Except for one thing."

"What?"

"You accidentally got paint all over the room!" Belarus looked around the house, to see black, green, and purple streaks of paint on the windows and walls. She looked down, and had a beautiful painting of a single flower.

"You even got paint on the H*llo K*tty costume-aru!"

"Does that mean I don' have to wear it anymore?"

"No-aru. It also means I have to get it washed. Go to the bathroom and change-aru." Belarus went into the bathroom and came out wearing her dress and holding a green H*llo K*tty costume.

"Give me the costume. Ah, you even made the eyes purple, and you gave it a mouth! It's not cute anymore-aru!"

"I have a painting of a flower though, so that's all I need."

"Right, well you also wanted me to teach you how to play chinese music, right-aru?"

"Well, yeah, I guess."

"Hold on-aru." China got up and went into an cupboard. He pulled out a flute, made of bamboo and painted intricately with red. "This is called a dizi, basically a flute for you westerners. I haven't played my traditional instruments for a while, ever since I got a piano from Britain."

"Well, why don't we play piano? I'm more familiar with that."

"Because Russia likes chinese music, and these instruments are exclusively chinese. Now sit on a chair, and put the bottom of the erhu on your left knee. Hold up the neck straight, and hold it with your left hand."

"Alright, so I just blow into it?"

"Yes-aru. Give it a blow."

It was at this moment that China knew, he f*cked up.

 **Russia's place**

"Da, I suppose I could to that for you." Russia was on the phone with America and France."

"Thanks dude. Francey face is worried over nothing."

"I am still 'ere, fat ass!"

"But of course, I will need something in return."

"Seriously dude? Not cool!"

"You're the one who wants me to do spying on China!"

"You do zat anyways! Fine, just tell us what _le_ price is!"

"Hmm... I want... I want you to give me Americas prized collection of comic books."

"WHAT!?"

"Done!"

"And France's cheese collection"

"QUOI!?"

"Done, but this means war after this one dude!"

"You can try. Now, I'm off to spy on China. Have the stuff ready for my taking by tomorrow, Da?"

And with that, Russia hung up. America and France were left on the other line.

"No... S*perman! And B*tman! I just got the new issues!"

"My _frommage, porquoi? Le frommage est ma-"_

"Dude, this is a sacrifice only true heroes can make! You're the one who wanted to check up on China, so it's your fault!"

"*Sigh*, True. Well, Russia 'as much experience in spying on China, so this should be worth it."

Russia, putting the phone down, made his way into his room. He grabbed his binoculars and made his way outside, when suddenly he heard something through the window. It's sound was impossible to describe how horrible the noise was, but the noise was coming from China's house

"Well, even more reason to visit China!"

 **China's place**

"Aiyaa! Stop, stop! I can't take it anymore-aru!" China was lying on the floor, holding hands to his ears, crying horribly. Belarus had her usual straight face, holding the dizi as if nothing happened.

"What?"

"That devil noise! Do not do that again!"

"So I take it that this isn't my instrument?"

"Hell no-aru! It sound like Greece's cats scratch on blackboard!" China took the flute and put them back in the cupboard. He looked deeper and found a bigger bigger.

"This is called a Guzheng. Not like most instruments in the west, it is very elegant." The instrument was like a flat board with 21 strings across it, held up with 21 bridges. China set it down on a stand on the floor, and Belarus kneeled down behind it.

"It is an instrument you pluck, much like the harp-aru. Try to pluck it. All the bridges and strings are set up to sound good anyway you play it-aru."

"Um, ok. It seems simple." Belarus motioned her hands towards the strings, and started to pluck the first string."

 **The Russian-Chinese Border**

"Mr. Russia?"

"Da?"

"I understand that you want to see if China is ok, but did you have to bring me?"

"Estonia, you are a smart man. I want you to meet another intelligent man. There is even a stereotype about China being a genius at math."

"China? Didn't he invent the abacus?"

"Um, I'm not exactly sure. Either way, you and China will make great friends, I am sure of it, Da?"

"Oh. We-well, whatever you say Mr. Russia!" Estonia and Russia neared China's house. From out the open window, they could hearthe sound of what seemed like deep strings being plucked. Unlike the flute noise, Russia could tell that it was music, but it still sucked horribly.

"Mr. Russia?"

"Da?"

"Is that one of China's musical instruments you keep talking about?" For once, Russia's unnerving smile disappeared, and it was replaced by a dull scowl.

"Trust me, the music sounds much better when played properly."

 **In China's House**

"Ok, better than the dizi, but still, never play that again-aru!"

"Well what else do you have!?"

"Wait-aru!" For a third time, China went to the cupboard. His eyes dilated, as he picked up a strange looking with a bow. The violin had a small octagonal shape and only 2 strings that went up a long neck.

"This is called an erhu," began China. "Westerners call it the 'Chinese Fiddle.'. The erhu can be used to portray sorrow as a beautiful work of art. Put it on your left leg and move the bow across horizontally."

"Well, ok, but don't expect it to be good." Belarus sat down on a chair and put the erhu on her leg. She started to press down the strings on the neck, and moved the bow across.

 **China's Backyard**

"Wait," Went Estonia, "There is more music. But it sounds... good?" Estonia was right. Russia looked through an open window and saw Belarus playing the erhu perfectly. It sounded beautiful, but at the same time, sad. As if Belarus had put her sorrowful feelings into the song.

"Belarus..." Muttered Russia. Russia realized Belarus put her feelings for him into the music. As if for once, Russia understood how she felt in her eyes.

"Wow," Estonia whispered, interrupting Russia's thought flow. "She's really good at that."

"...Da... She is."

"What are you doing-aru!?" China appeared at the window and scowled at Russia and Estonia. Russia was so distracted by the music that he forgot about China.

"Ah! Mr. China! Mr. Russia said he wanted to introduce me to you!"

"Glasses, haircut, you must be Estonia! Pleasure to meet you-aru!" China took Estonia's hand and pulled him inside the room. He then looked at Russia.

"As for you! What are you doing in my flowerbed!?"

"Ah, well, do you want me to be honest?"

"Yes-aru!"

"America and France were worried about you because they haven't seen much of you. They sent me to spy on your house and see if everything was alright. Speaking of which, why are you not showing up as much as you did?"

"It just so happens tha-" China was pulled out of Russia's window view by Belarus and Estonia.

"Shh! You'll ruin everything Mr. China!"

"You can't let Russia know that I am here!"

"Why-aru?" Belarus sighed.

"If Russia knows I am here only to get him to like me, this whole facade will never work!"

"Plus!" Began Estonia," Belarus has gotten much nicer to us now that she is closer to Russia!"

"Well, it's true. I feel less murderous around them as of now."

"I see-aru. I won't say a word."

"China? Are you ok?" Russia's voice reminded China that he needed to fabricate a lie to tell Russia. China grabbed a blanket and a cup of tea lying around. China put the blanket over his body and slowly walked up to Russia.

"Oh Russia, I don't feel so go-*ACHOO!* so good. I'm sick, so I decided to isolate myself from my allies so they do not get sick as well-aru."

"But you hate all of your allies."

"Well.. I realized that the only way I can win the war is for them to win as well."

"But Lithuania said he went to your house with Poland, and he said you looked better than ever. In fact, Britain said he saw you as well when you asked him for a favor, Da?"

"Well, er- the effects of my sickness blossom over time, like a herpes flower, or something-aru."

"Oh, well, I will send you some stuff so you can get better. In fact, I will tell the allies that you are sick so they know. Get better soon China, Da?"

"*Sniff* Thank you Russia." and after China said that, Russia left. When Russia was out of sight, China threw off the blanket, and dumped the cup of tea onto the flowers.

"I forgot about that tea for almost as long as I abandoned this classroom-aru! Ew!"

"Well, I had better get going. If Russia finds out that he forgot me, he will come back. It was nice meeting you China!" Estonia had leapt out of the window, leaving Belarus and China alone in the classroom.

"Whew. That was close. Hey China, did the erhu sound good?"

"Good? That was amazing Belarus! You know what, keep that erhu, I have much more stored around here somewhere."

"Thank you, old man."

"You still calling me that-aru!?"

"Eh, it's fun."

"Aiyaa. Well, I'm tired. I'm going to go take a nap. You better go home to-aru. So Russia doesn't get suspicious of where you are again."

"Alright then. Bye China." Belarus left out the window, and went back to the Soviet Union house.

"Hmm... I need to close that window."

 **The Soviet Union House**

"So America and France," Began Russia, "China is just sick. There is nothing to worry about, except for his health, Da? I will be sending him soup soon."

"Ah, I see. So zere is nozing to worry about."

"Well, China's still sick dude, and I still need money."

"He probably got sick from France's perv auras."

"Shut it Britain. You're not exactly too innocent around China as well, _oui?"_ There was a meeting of the allies in the Soviet Union, with the rest of the Soviet House present as well.

"I don't think China is sick," Whispered Lithuania to Latvia. "I saw him a few days ago with Poland, and he seemed well to me.

"He isn't sick," Whispered Estonia The arguing of France and Britain, and Russia and America trying to diffuse the situation, allowed the Baltics to discuss in peace and safety.

"China was just teaching me. I told him to say he was sick." Belarus had butted into the conversation.

"Ah, so, how are the lessons going Ms. Belarus." Latvia seemed slightly more confident about not being killed near Belarus, but he was still a bit frightened.

"Pretty good, I guess. Playing music and painting art actually takes lets me let out my feelings into those, so it's good for letting out stress. Not to mention the Tai Chi, which is pretty nice too."

"Tai Chi? Was that what you used to save me?" Lithuania slightly blushed as he said that.

"Yeah. My only issue is cooking. I actually cook good food, but China had to get renovations for his kitchen when I touched the rice cooker." As the Baltics and Belarus discussed, and the other allies were caught up either fighting or diffusing an argument, Ukraine was left with no one to talk to, until she heard a voice.

"So I guess it's just us- eh?"

"EEP! Who said that."

"Hi. I don't think we've ever spoken before. I'm Canada."

"I'm Ukraine. You are America's Brother, right?"

"Wow, you're the first one to get that right! I'm always pushed aside by him."

"Hey, at least your brother's not the biggest country ever."

"With the amount of deep fried stuff he eats, America might as well be bigger than Russia." Canada actually made Ukraine giggle with that. As the two started talking, Britain and France calmed down. As the meeting proceeded smoothly, with discussions of battle formations hideous military outfits (courtesy of France) everyone returned to their own devices. Britain, France, Canada, and America went west towards their own homes.

"Russia's family is crazy, but they can be pretty nice," Went Canada, holding a slip of paper with Ukraine's number on it.

" _Non, non Mathieu._ Russia's family is _tres, tres fou."_

"The Soviet House can be made into a sitcom dude! I mean, just listen!" The FACE family listened in, to hear Estonia yelling.

"Latvia!" A muffled Estonia cried. "Is this porn on my computer yours!? This one is holding a banana to her vagi-"

"Hahaha! I downloaded some porn on Estonia's computer!"

"God, you're such a ninny!"

"So, America. Do you believe what 'e said?"

"Who, Iggy?"

"No, not Eyebrows! Russia! Do you believe that China is sick, like Russia said?"

"Hell knows I don't believe it. China came to my house yesterday, asking me for a favor, and he seemed well enough to kick down my door!"

"Per'aps we should investigate this mystery. Britain, what favor did China ask?"

"He asked for me to shrink Hong Kong into a baby, in return that he gives me his next shipment of tea. Which reminds me, I need to see if China made good on that promise."

"Dudes, maybe we should spy on China ourselves!"

"For once, that's not a bad idea, fatass! My MI6 skills will prove helpful to this mission!"

"Well, I gotta go home now. I promised Russia my comic books for this fake information, and I don't want to call him a liar. He might catch on."

"That's incredibly smart of you America. But what wasn't smart was me promising 'im my prized _frommage!"_

"Well then. Tomorrow, we spy on China!"

* * *

Sorry. It's very hard to depict music and pictures on text. It helps if you listen to erhu music or look at chinese art after reading this, or something.

*When Vietnam was just starting to have relations with France, french missionaries came to Vietnam. The Nguyen Dynasty saw this as a threat, as the dynastic system of Vietnam might be taken over by ideas of monogamy.


	7. Belarus Practices Medicine!

China walked into his kitchen, now fully repaired from the Belarus Incident. He had been tired out from yesterday, teaching Belarus how to play music and how to paint. He was hungry too. He turned the rice cooker on, and started stir frying some food. He had remembered that he told Russia he was sick, and that Russia would tell the others, so China would have to stay out of the Allies way for a while. He had no problem with that. He put the stir fry into a bowl, and went to the tea cabinet, but remembered something as he picked up a box of tea.

"Aiyaa! I forgot to get the tea for Britain!" China put on some clothes (he was in boxers, as it was summer) and rushed out the door. He had to be careful of white foreigners. Any of them could be part of the Allies. China couldn't tell most of them apart. China made his way to the harbor, and bought a crate of tea from an old man with a stall near the boat. China had then put the crate on a wagon, and started to roll the wagon home. It was when he walked down the park, that he saw a face he had not expected in his country.

"Italy-aru! Why are you here?" China showed genuine surprise as he saw Italy picking flowers.

"Well, after-a fleeing from-a Russia, I headed southeast, and-a ended up here! Your flowers are-a very pretty, especially the lotus flowers-a!"

"Ah, well, thank you?" China was confused. Should he attack, because Italy was an enemy? Or should he thank him for the compliment, because Italy posed no threat. He went with the latter.

"Thank you-aru. You know, I used to know your grandfather."

"You did?"

"Yes-aru. To be honest, whenever I start to think of France as horny, I always remember your grandfather, and his crazy orgies with the other ancients... I still have nightmares to this day-aru."

"Yeah, he did have crazy times back then, and I think I inherited some of his horniness!"

"I didn't need to know that-aru!"

"I think-a Romano got most of it though," Continued Italy, giving no mind to a cringing China." I mean, yesterday, I walked into-a Romano's room, and I-a saw him with a lady on the ceiling, and another under the bed-a. You would have no idea how he-a managed to fit them-a together! And then when-a he-"

China wasn't having none of this. He grabbed 2 flowers from the ground, and stuck them in his ears. Italy had his eyes closed as usual, so he wouldn't know. As China put in the makeshift earbuds, Italy's story became a muffled string of words.

" _Computer cord-(Random Babbling)-Tomato-(More Babbling)-Pencil dive-(Even MORE Babbling)-with a Skyrim disc..."_

China was blissfully unaware of the story. But he suddenly felt very itchy near the ears. He then felt a sneeze coming on.

*ACHOO-aru!" China sneezed the flowers out of his ears, like a gun.

"And when he grabbed the pope's hat- hey, you don't-a look so good. Are you sick?" China started turning a bit red. Maybe he was sick, but he couldn't be. Belarus was coming over for another lesson.

"No-aru...*Sniff* I am perfectly fine. I had best be *Achoo!* ugh... I had best be going home now. Good bye Italy." China walked home with the tea crate, sneezing and sniffling on the way. When he went home, he looked in his mirror, and saw that he was, in fact, sick.

"Stupid allergy season-aru!" China suddenly had an idea.

 **2 Hours Later**

*Knock Knock*

"China! I'm here!" Belarus was at the door, holding a flask of vodka. "I made a stop at the drinks store for a bit, so I hope your ok with that. Well, I really don't care if you are or not anyways."

"The door is *Sniff* open!" Belarus opened the door, and saw a note on the wall next to it.

 _Belarus,_

 _I am my room. Your next lesson will take place there._

 _-China_

"Uh oh," Went Belarus. "I hope this doesn't turn into a lemon fic." Belarus walked up the stairs, and entered China's room, to see China in a sorry state. He was wearing white robes, and he was tucked under the bed. He had a waste bin full of snot tissues, and he had a cold towel over his forehead.

"*Achoo-aru!* Belarus, I have the cold! Make me chinese medicine."

"Chinese medicine?"

"I got mail from the Allies, each having a lozenge or other western medicine. I don't *sniff" like western medicine. In my basement, I have a red box. It's about 30 cm long and 10 cm tall. Bring that upstairs. *Achoo!*"

"Uh, I thought you were only faking being sick.

"Well, it seems that karma is a bitch, just like they say-aru. I met Italy when I was returning home, and I stuck flowers in my ears to spare myself of his *sniff* story about his brother's sexual adventures. *Sniff*"

"Well, you must have been allergic to those." Belarus left and went to the basement. It was full of alot of China's old stuff. It was kind of creepy, but Belarus was pretty much the textbook definition of creepy, so she wasn't scared

"Okay, red box, where is it?" Belarus was looking in between old boxes and antique vases, until she saw a dusty red box. She picked it up, and dusted it off, and brought it upstairs, to China.

"I have the box."

"Good, it's pretty much a beginners set for *Achoo!* traditional chinese medicine. It has the stuff in it for basic crappy sickness *sniff* like I have."

"So, is it like western medicine?"

"Open it-aru." China blew his nose, as he watched Belarus open the box.

"...This is not like western medicine."

"*Sniff* Oh yeah, go into my closet, and pull out a white box-aru." Belarus opened the closet, and saw the box in question. She opened it, and scowled at China.

 **Britain's Place**

"It's about bloody time you got here!" Britain was having afternoon tea as he saw America, France, and a floating bear enter the door.

"Oh my god, that bear is floating!"

"What? Oh, no man, that's just Canada."

"...You raised me when France wasn't around..."

"Ah, right, well Canadia!"

"Son of a bi-"

"Dude, why did you call us here again?"

"I think it's high time we discussed China."

"Can we 'urry it up, _si vous plaits?_ I am 'ungry, and I am missing my lunch for zis!"

"Shut it frog! I still wonder how you manage to be so skinny and eat like that!"

"Because I eat consistently and in moderation, unlike you, who gorges 'imself only _trois_ times a day!"

"Grr... Eitherway, about China-."

"What is there to say about him? Russia said he was sick, and he really isn't, so what's the big deal?"

"If he's faking being sick, he must be hiding something."

"Britain, is zis anozer one of your conspiracy theories?"

"What conspiracy theories!?"

"Remember when you said that gremlins were messing around with your planes last time a war broke out*?"

"Well, they were! Why else would my planes have so much issues!"

"Because you are a bad pilot, and you use your 'allucinations as an excuse for it, _non_?"

"Um, can we please get back to China?" Canada's small voice managed to penetrate it's way into the conversation."

"Yeah, Canada's right. This chapter's gonna go on forever if we keep arguing."

"Right-o, well, I say we try to get some foreknowledge on China first."

"Well, for starters, why did China want you to make Hong Kong _un petit infant?"_

"Er... What?"

" _En anglais , France, si vou plaits."_ Said Canada to France. " _Anglettere et Amerique parle anglais"_

"Well duh, Canada, but 'ow else would I flaunt my elegant language in front of them?"

"Yo, Canada man, just translate for us."

"He said 'Why did China want you to make Hong Kong _a little baby_ "

"Oh, well, he actually said he was going to give him to Belarus for a day or two. He wanted her to babysit Kong."

" _Porquoi?"_

"What?"

" _Why,"_ Canada translated.

"Hell if I know. Anyone else have anything on China?"

"No, dude."

" _Non_."

"Not really..."

"Now, if no one else has anything, I say we should head over to China's how now."

 **China's House**

"I can't believe I still have to wear this stupid ass uniform for you." Belarus was wearing the H*llo K*tty uniform, while kneeling over the medicine kit.

"Ok, pour the licorice tea-aru." Belarus did so, giving a mug full to China.

"This will *sniff*help me recover from cold faster. But I still need a more direct treatment."

"Well, what do you want?"

"There are instructions in there that say how to do basic treatment." Belarus took out a slip of paper, but she couldn't read it.

"It's in Chinese! How the hell am I supposed to read it!?"

"*Achoo!* Get someone who can read Chinese!"

"Like who? Why not you?"

"I don't want to touch the paper with *sniff* my sick hands. You might get sick too-aru."

"Well, any suggestions?"

"Hong Kong is still *achoo!* pissed at me for turning him into baby, so he's out-aru. Taiwan is cozying up to Japan, and Japan can read Kanji, which is the traditional Chinese that the instructions are written in, but he's enemy. I should have taught you how *sniff* to read chinese-aru!"

"Well, what about that creepy ass panda you always hang out with?"

"You mean *sniff* Shinatty-Chan?"

"That's what you call him? He's an old man in a H*llo K*tty suit. Seems like a pedophile to me, so that's probably why he hangs out with your babyface."

"Babyface? *Sniff* Rude! Just get Shinatty-Chan-aru!"

"How?"

"Call him! His number is *sniff* on the table downstairs-aru."

 **China's Backyard, before**

"France, did you bring the ladder?" Britain was wearing a leaf on his head, as to not be spotted

" _Oui, Anglettere."_ France wore a leaf too, but it was on a beret.

"Come again?"

"Come on dude, even I know what that means!" America was also wearing a hat with a taped on leaf

"Shut it, you might alert China!" Canada needed no leaf. He could be invisible without it. "He said _yes, England._ "

"I'm still confused whether to call you Iggy or Britty."

"Call me either England or Britain, or the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland."

"Nah dude, imma just call you Iggy!"

"Grr... France, the ladder!"

"Oh, here it is!" France handed Britain a ladder, but it was only 25 and a half cm (25.5 cm is pretty much 10 inches).

"France, what the f*ck is this?"

"I got it from _Amerique!"_ I sent 'im the measurement for 10 meters!"

"Dude, I don't know what a meter is! I assumed it was pretty much inches!"

"Just use the metric system like the rest of the world, git!"

"I ain't using no commie units!"

"God, how else are we going to get up to China's room?"

"... _Angleterre,_ give me a boost!"

"What? No, if anything, you're giving me a boost!" Then Britain realized something.

"A simple boost will do nothing, but if we form a human totem pole, we might be able to reach China's window."

"But what order are we going in?"

 **A few minutes later**

Canada was at the bottom trying to hold up (fatass) America, who was holding up France, who was holding up Britain. Poor Canada's neck was breaking under the pressure."

"America, you need to e-eat less." Matthew was wincing in pain.

"Hey, don't you eat, like, cheese gravy and french fries?"

"No,that doesn't get invented until Quebec makes it in 10 years!"

"America, don't you have superstrength? Why the bloody hell are you not at the bottom?"

"Meh, Idunno."

"Oh, Britain, your ass looks good from here, _oui?"_

"On second thought, France should be on the bottom."

"By bottom, do you mean when people have se-"

"No, now shut up and let me spy!" Britain looked through the window to see China sick in bed, blowing his nose and sipping licorice tea.

"*Achoo!* Belarus! Did you call him yet?

"Yeah!" Belarus' voice rang from downstairs, as she came upstairs. She sat down on a chair and started reading.

"Are you sure you *achoo!* should be reading when I'm sick?"

"I need to pass the time somehow, right?"

"Huh," went Britain. "Is China actually sick? If he gave Hong Kong to Belarus, she must have been on whatever China was doing, right? Or maybe China is lying to her as well.

*Ding Dong!*

"That must be him. Get the *sniff* door-aru." Belarus got up and put a bookmark between her book, _50 shades of pink._ She walked downstairs and opened the door, to see no one there. She closed the door and turned around to come face to face with someone in a panda mask.

"Ah!" Belarus had a heart attack as she tried to regain her composure.

"Oh sweet Barishnikov, you must be Shinatty-Chan."

"..." He only nodded.

"Well, come upstairs. China needs you." China saw Belarus and Shinatty-Chan open the door into his room. Shinnaty-Chan simply sat down, reading the instructions, and jotted them down in english. Does that make sense? Belarusian? Sure, belarusian.

"Belarus, is he translating *Achoo!* the instructions-aru?"

"Yeah, though his handwriting sucks." Shinatty-Chan gave Belarus a translation of the chinese instructions, and he left out the door. Belarus actually tried to follow him.

"Wait, you forgot your pen!" Belarus opened the door to find that Shinatty-Chan had completely disappeared. She went back inside, holding the now transcribed instructions.

"Huh, weird." Belarus walked back into China's room. "China, why do you hang out with that guy?"

"The panda head makes me feel comfortable-aru."

"Well, eitherway, I have the instructions, so I just make the medicine with whatever is in this box?"

"Yes-aru." China blew his nose as he saw Belarus read the instructions.

"These are more philosophical than I expected."

"Well, let my try to explain. In theory, there are *Achoo!* 2 energies in the human body. Yin and Yang. One is negative, while the other is positive, and there must be a balance *sniff* between the energies. Imbalance between the energies is where sicknesses like mine come from. Each organ is in charge of a certain energy, with lungs being the key chi area. Because I have cold, there is problem in my lungs-aru."

"So, what, you want me to do surgery? I have no problems with that." Belarus held up a knife as she said that.

"No-aru! Just make me something edible with the herbs in there."

"How do I make it?"

"Aiyaa. Well, the instructions are a bit foreign to you, so I will *sniff* help you with it."

 **Outside**

"America?"

"Yeah Canada?"

"Ask what Britain sees please?"

"Kay dude. Yo, Iggy! Canada wants to know what's going on."

"I think China's actually sick."

"But you said-"

"I know what I said! He seems as if he is under the symptoms of a cold."

"You don't zink zat 'e made 'imself _malade_ on purpose, did 'e?"

"That's not a bad prediction France. We'll have to get a closer look. For clues."

" _Anglettere,_ 'ow do we _descendre_?"

"What?" Canada's voice echoed from the bottom of the human totem pole

"He said how you would get down."

"Well, we can always... I think that we can..."

"You ain't got no ideas, do you Iggy?"

"Bloody hell, I was sure that we could... Shit."

"'Ow about you climb in through the windows, and sneak into _le_ 'ouse?"

"Not a bad idea. Okay then"

"But what are the rest of us gonna do?"

"Just, find any way you can find!." Britain opened China's window, and snuck inside. He was lucky that Belarus was preoccupied with the medicine, and China's eyes were smaller then usual. He crept behind the curtains, behind the dresser, and eventually slid under the bed. He made a bad choice with that, as China's particular ailment had blessed him with the power of gas.

*Poot*

"Ah- Why?"

"China, did you fart?"

"Ah! No, I didn't-aru! Did you fart?"

"No. So, how do I do this?"

"Well, because it's a lung issue, take some peppermint, ginger, and chrysanthemum, and make tea out of it."

"What? Tea? That's how you're gonna get rid of a cold?"

"It's in a form in which I am comfortable with. Besides, it's better than a pill-aru."

"Okay then. Why can't you just use western medicine?"

"No-aru! That medicine, I don't trust it at all. It's not natural, that shit." As Belarus was making the tea, Britain peeked out from under the bed. He peeked at the paper in which the instructions were written in, and he swiped it when Belarus wasn't looking. He started to read it."

" _The best medicine is food, says an old proverb. The medicine system is based around the idea of chi and the balance of yin and yang. For an imbalance of chi or yin and yang, a sickness will occur. Each organ is-_ Oh! What bloody rubbish this is!" Britain whispered, crumpling up the paper. "Everyone knows that lozenges from the pharmacy are the best medicine!"

"Okay, so, if Russia gets sick, I can always help with this medicine?"

"Yes-aru. But so far, I've seen that *Achoo!* Russia just scares away the sick. This is more of a thing if you and Russia have... children-aru."

"*Gasp* Is China, helping Belarus?" Britain whispered under his breath, but then China spoke up again.

"As long as we are talking about *Sniff* medical things, the western ideas of humans aren't far off-aru. For instance, what if *Sniff* you actually do have children with Russia? Of course, you would have too small of a gene pool-aru."

"...Well, maybe, if we add in Ukraine..."

"AGH! OH! WHAT THE F*CK-ARU!?"

"Just a thought..."

"That still wouldn't do anything! There's only one plug and 2 outlets-aru!"

"Good point. Maybe If I grab Lithuania..."

"Well, alot of people ship that."

"What!? They do!?"

"People ship you with him, and America, I believe."

"Really? Who do people ship you with."

"Well, Russia, America, Taiwan, Britain-"

"What!? People ship you and me!?" Britain jumped out from under the bed.

"Britain! Shut up! I'm talking to Belarus-aru! *Sniff* Now, I think I read a fanfiction with me and Hungary. To be honest, I kind of like that one, but it's because I wield a cooking appliance like Hu- BRITAIN!? THE F*CK YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!?"

"Ah! I can explain!" Britain backed towards the door. Belarus put down a piece of ginger, and brandished a knife.

"Explain. Now."

"Ah, well, you see... I was wondering when you would have my tea shipment ready. You know, from the deal with Hong Kong?"

"It's downstairs, in living room. Belarus, make sure he doesn't *Sniff* do anything funny-aru."

"Okay. By the way, here's your tea." Belarus gave a cup of tea to China, while she escorted Britain downstairs.

"So, Britain."

"Y-yes?"

"Why are you really here?"

"Well, to-to collect my t-tea, of course." Britain was cracking under the fear of Belarus. "By the way, why are y-you wearing that H*llo K*tty c-costume?"

"China. Enough said. But seriously, you can't have snuck in to just take some tea. So what's the reason?"

"Ah, well, just the tea! Nothing else!"

"Ah, yes, of course. You tell me lies, but I don't really give a shit. Just take the box and go." Belarus pointed to a giant wooden crate in the living room, and Britain rolled it out of the house with the wagon. As Belarus showed Britain out, Britain walkedabout 5 feet out from the house. Suddenly, he received a phone call.

[I'm missing bargain hunt, what shall I have for lunch? Maybe some chips- doo doo doo do-]

"Hello? May I ask who is calling?"

"Dude, the hell you doin'?"

"America? Did you sneak in the house yet?"

"No. More like on top of the house." Britain looked up, and saw America and France on the ceiling. America waved at Britain, while France was using a crowbar on a vent."

"You're sneaking in through the bloody vents?"

"Yeah!"

"Ah. Going in James Bond style, I see. Be careful, Belarus is scarier in person than when you spy on her."

"Noted, dude. So why are you going home?"

"I was discovered, and I was let off easy, because China owed me a favor. Remember the tea?"

"Oh yeah. Well, we don't know where Canada went, so if you see him, call me, okay?"

"Who?"

"Nevermind dude."

*Boop*

"He hung up without saying goodbye? What horrid etiquette." Britain walked to an airport, while France broke off the vent covers.

"Ah! _Merde_!" China's vents are razer 'ard to break."

"Well, at least we can sneak in." America crawled into the vents, with France following after. They crawled through the vents, and saw a vent cover into China's room. The both looked through the grate, and observed.

"Ah, so, is Britain gone?"

"Yeah. You feeling better?"

"Yes, but now I need to *Sniff* smooth out the flow in my lungs. Take some Stessile Stamona root, and some of that..."

"Dude! He's really sick!"

"'Ow can we be sure 'e is not faking it?"

"Belarus... Can you also take the panda doll to your left and give it to me?"

"Which one?"

"The green one. He is Mr. Sick. He makes me feel better when I am sick-aru."

"Okay, 'e is _malade_. We still need to know why 'e is with Belarus. And why Belarus has that ridiculous outfit."

"Okay, now lets try using some good old fashioned acupuncture."

"You mean, needles?"

"The needles are able to aid in the proper flow of chi. *Sniff* Theres a smaller box in that box, with a chart for points that help with colds-aru." Belarus opened the box, and saw about 50 needles, and a small folded up paper. She unwrapped the paper, and saw a list of numbers, letters, and a chart of the human body.

"So, the first part where I stab-"

"Put. I don't know if *Sniff* this is safe or not, considering it's you-aru. Eitherway, just lightly place the needle into where the thing says it should *Sniff* go."

"Okay first area, B2. It seems to be near the place where your lower brow and nose ridge meet." Belarus took a needle and moved it rather close to China's eye. Belarus was perfectly still, and China, having been through this process several times. Belarus stuck the end of a needle where the chart had said.

"Good-aru. Now *Sniff* do it on the other side." Belarus grabbed another needle, and moved it towards the place where she was supposed to. Suddenly, there was a clanging noise.

*Clang!*

"AHH!" America fell out of the grate where he was hiding, and landed on Belarus. France came falling after. Belarus' hand moved to fast, and the needle landed in China's eye, with much more force than it was intended.

"GAHH!" The needle landed in China's eye, and he got up and started running around the room. His white robes where close to slipping off. Belarus was trying to get off from under America and France's weight.

"Get off fatass!"

"Oops! Sorry!" America stood up quickly, flipping France upside down and into the wall. Belarus stood up, brushing her uniform.

"What the hell are you doing here!? First Britain, now you 2 idiots!"

"Ah, Belarus! I can explain!"

"...I guess I can listen for a while."

"You see, France and I were looking for... Dirty mgazines! Cuz' France was jerking off, and he had no wank material!"

"Hey! I take great offense to zat!"

"Well, China doesn't have any dirty magazines, so you'll have to fulfill your nasty desires elsewhere." Belarus was telling the two to get out, oblivious to the screaming of a bleeding China in the backround.

"Aiyaa! My f*cking eye! Why!?"

 **2 Hours Later**

Belarus, America, and France were in a building where chinese medicine was a specialty. They were in the waiting room, while China was inside the treatment room. The door separating the yandere, east european nation, the romantic, perverted nation, and the fatass nation, from the injured asian, had a sign on it, reading "Dr. Lau."

"Next time, I think I will talk to China in private." Belarus was still wearing the H*llo K*tty outfit, while a number of people stared at her. She didn't seem to care at this point, and neither did America or France.

"So, why were you talkin' to China? And why were you giving him medicine? Are you two... a couple now?"

"Shut. Up. Hong Kong made the mistake of saying that in the 2nd chapter, and now he still has issues peeing."

"Noted."

"But seriously, why were you in 'is room?"

"Well..."

"*Ahem* Ms. Arlovskaya? Mr. Jones? Mr. Bonnefey? The client is ready to see you now." A chinese man stepped out of the treatment room, calling this out. Belarus had decided that using human names would be less confusing for the common humans.

"Ah, that would be us. Come on, idiots." Belarus had said that calmly, as she stepped inside the treatment room. France and America followed after. As the three stepped in, they where met with the smell of tantalizing and bitter herbs, such as ginger, chrysanthemum, apricot kernel, and the such. Belarus was distracted by the different varieties of acupuncture needles, while America looked over at some of the herbs, muttering about losing weight with them. France was distracted by a diagram of the human body and the chi points. He was only interested in the private areas, however.

"Uh..." America started sniffing some of the herbs, France started wondering out loud if a chi point could be used in sex, and Belarus started testing the weight and sharpness of the needles.

"Hello-aru! I'm right here!" China yelled out loud, as the 3 turned to face him. China was seated on a chair, looking very pissed.

"Oh! Sorry dude! Got distracted by such a weird place."

"THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE SORRY FOR!?" China pointed at his left eye, which was actually in a jar."

"EW! Why is your eye in a jar?"

"You pushed Belarus into my face, forcing her to take out my f*cking eye! Do you see this eyepatch-aru!?" China pointed to his face, which had a black eyepatch on it. He stared angrily at America and France.

"Hehehe, about that..."

"Why the hell were you in my house?"

"Well, zere is a _bon_ explanation _pour_ zat."

"Why did you poke my eye out?"

"I didn't mean to. I accide-"

"Why was Britain in my house-aru? Are you conspiring with him?"

" _Non, non. Angleterre-_ "

"And are you paying my medical bills!? Dr. Lau is expensive!"

"Okay, that, I am not-"

"And why did you land on me, out of all things!?" Belarus was also angry at the two. America and France cowered in fear, and they immediately rushed out of the room, screaming.

"RUN AWAY!"

"A PSYCHO _FILLE ET UN_ ANGRY _CHINOIS GARCON!_ "

"Get your asses back here-aru!" China stepped out of the room, shaking his fist at the two. He went back inside the room, and sat back down into the chair.

"Well, on the bright side, you don't have a cold anymore..."

"Yeah, at the cost of an eye. Economy really sucks, huh?" China gave a half-hearted chuckle, but soon sighed.

"You know, do you think this is going to work-aru?"

"What do you mean?"

"I lost an eye just teaching you medicine. That is the exact opposite of what medicine is supposed to do-aru..."

"Ah, well, Russia might love me if I become more like you."

"But what if he doesn't-aru? He might think that you love me now..."

"And what is there to show for it? An eye in a jar?"

"It's not your fault. It's those idiot's faults-aru." Belarus started to zone off, into the sight of China's eyepatch. "Uh, Belarus,are you okay?"

"Oh, sorry. It's a habit I have, just zoning off."

"Oh, whew! I thought it was about my eyepatch-aru."

"Well, you do look like a pirate now."

"Yeah. Feel like Xiahou Dun..."

"Who?"

"Oh, a soldier in one of my old armies. He lost his eye the same way I did, although in a more violent way-aru. See, I lost my eye to 2 idiots and a student holding a needle. Dun lost his eye in a bloody war against the greatest warrior in China at the time. He was shot by an arrow in battle, and he took out the arrow with his eye still on it. He then proceeded to eat the battle in the midst of combat."

"Really?" Belarus, for once, lost her stone cold expression, as her eyes widened at the anecdote.

"Needless to say, Xiahou Dun was quite the bad-ass-aru."

"He seemed friendly." Belarus had said that in a sarcastic tone.

"Yeah, well, he was a small bit of a great tale. A tale that I haven't told to anyone since my siblings have... moved on-aru..." China zoned off himself, staring at the floor. Belarus looked into China's eyes. She could tell that he was anxious to tell the story.

"China... If you want, I would not mind if you told me the story..." Belarus was a bit careful in her wording.

"Really-aru!? I mean, really?" China had regained his composure, after seeming too eager.

"Very well. Seeing as you have done some good progress over your impromptu lessons, I believe that it is time for a break. Tomorrow, I shall tell you a grand tale, of love and loss. A tale of bloody wars, and betrayal. A story of horrible pain, and yet, great beauty!"

"Are you done with the ham yet, geezer?" Belarus had managed a small smirk as she said that.

"Ah, yes, of course-aru!" China had chuckled. He moved his hand over his eyepatch, shifting into deep thought.

"Yes... Pain, and yet... Beauty." got up from his chair. "Well, no use telling it in the Dr.'s office! Especially when he pays by the hour-aru. I will tell you the story tomorrow. So, let's go home now. I need to find a way to blackmail France and America into paying my medical bills-aru." China and Belarus left the Dr.'s, and made their way to their own homes. China snuggled into his bed, hugging his stuffed panda.

"Oh, panda... I'm so happy-aru. Even if I might suffer injuries along the way, it feels nice to have Belarus around. She is a little rough around edged, yes-aru. But it's like I have another sibling again..." China smiled, as he drifted off into a deep sleep, embracing the stuffed animal.

Belarus went home, and immediately changed into her usual dress. She walked into the briefing room for the U.S.S.R., and found that Lithuania was there, doing some paperwork. Lithuania took notice of Belarus, and stopped his paperwork.

"Oh, hello Ms. Belarus! How was the lesson with Mr. China?"

"It went... I wouldn't say bad, but it was not planned, that's for goddamned sure."

"What happened?"

"America and France came, I was doing malpractice on China, and he lost an eye."

"He- he what!?"

"Lost an eye. He has an eyepatch on right now. Tomorrow, he agreed to let me take a break from lessons, and he's telling me something about his culture."

"Seems like my plan is working... I believe, to an extent. Would you like some tea?"

"No thank you. Whatcha doing there?"

"Paperwork. Hitler, he.. I wouldn't normally say this, but as America would say, Hitler 'F*cked up big time.' I have to sort out some of the equipment we took from the Nazis."

"Ah, I see. Well, I'm going to bed. Goodnight Lithuania."

"Goodnight Ms. Belarus!" Lithuania blushed as he turned down to his paperwork, while Belarus left to her bedroom. As she entered, she plopped down into her bed, and started to get comfy. She felt something fuzzy on her arm, and she then picked up what seemed to be a brown bear. She remembered that it was the bear she brought when China brought her to B*ild a B*ar.

"...Sure, he's childish, but he's kind of nice..." Belarus smiled, as she drifted off into a deep sleep, embracing the stuffed animal.

 **Britain (The actual landmass, not the big eyebrowed shit of a cook)**

"Hey! I take much offense to that statement, thank you very much! Have you tried fish and chips?" Britain was drinking some of the tea that China gave to him as part of the Hong Kong baby deal.

" _Oui_ , and zey taste greasier zen America's burgers"

"Hey! Rude! At least I don't get drunk every night and hump a mannequin!"

"...Zat was one time, America. And zat was supposed to be our secret..."

"Ha! He actually did that? And you say I'm lonely!"

"Um, guys?" Canada was stuck in the middle of the three way (the argument, not the sex position. But if you look around the site, maybe, just maybe...).

"Oh, yeah! Canada just reminded me! We have to report what we found out about China!"

"Ah, yes. Well, I've learnt, America. LEARNT. That chinese medicine is bullshit, China needs to lay off of the spicy foods, I am shipped with China, America is shipped with Belarus-"

"WHAT!?"

"And that China might be helping Belarus get Russia's affection."

"But, porquoi _?"_

"I'd say that he figured out the fact that if Belarus and Russia get together, Russia will stop stalking him. That's what I would wager my rum on. Well, what about your info?"

"Well, today, me and France learned."

"It's France and I learnt, git!"

"Whatever. Eitherway, we figured out that... What did we learn?"

"We now know zat chinese people retain alot of blood in zeir eyes."

"TMI France. Now, that's all the info we have, so-"

"Um, I have some info..."

"Gah! Who said that!? Peeves the Poltergeist!? Is that you?"

"God, really?"

" _Mon dieu..._ "

"I'm not a Harry Potter character Britain. We don't even have Harry Potter yet, it's WWII."

"Peeves! I'm warning you! I will get McGonagall on your ass again! She figured out how to use _Rictumsempra_ on poltergeists!"

"Dude, just tell me the info, and imma pass it on to Iggy." Canada leaned in real close to America's ear, and he whispered something really fast. America nodded, and Canada backed off.

"Okay. Canada says that he was following the two around the whole day, from his house, to after we ran away in the Dr.'s Office, and he can verify that China is tutoring Belarus how to be more chinese so Russia can return her affections."

"That's blood stupid."

"You really want to get in ze way of zose two?"

"Not necessarily. Okay, tomorrow, I say we spy on them again." As Britain said that, Canada leaned in close to America's ear, and whispered again.

"Canada says there's no point. Chinas' telling Belarus a story about his past."

"Ah, well, I'd say that we take tomorrow off." As he had said that, The wall behind Britain had crumpled down, and bricks flew into the FACE family's... faces, I guess. Get it? Because their called the FACE family? And they... my humor is wasted on this site. Eitherway, the wall broke.

"My bloody wall? What the f*ck!?" Britain waited for the dust to clear, and he came face to face with a tank's turret, with an albino wearing a pickelhaube helmet peeping out of the hatch of the tank.

"Kesesesese! Guess vhat bitches! Ze awesome haz arrived to ze lame party!" Britain's face had curled into an immeasurable amount of angry.

"...ffffffFFFFFUUUUUUU-"


	8. Story Time with China!

**Authors Note: Yo! Panda here! Obviously... Then again, it could be one of my cousins hacking into my computer. I will leave you to decide which option it is ^_^**

 **Eitherway, I won** **'t be updating for the next 2 weeks. I know I'm a slow motherf*ck when it comes to uploading these fanfics, but this time, I have an excuse! I'm going to visit Italy and France! All I will think of is Hetalia when I get off the plane.**

 **Eitherway, enjoy this fic! It's a wee bit of a bonus, because it's a bit different from the usual format of these chapters. (As if they did have a format.)**

*Ding Dong*

"Ah! I'm awake, I'm awake!" China was woken up in his bed, holding his panda. He rushed to get dressed in the most respectable clothes he could put on the fastest. All he could find was an old hanfu, from 1800 years ago. He put on his eyepatch, as he had lost an eye due to an acupuncture accident.

"I'm coming-aru!" China rushed to the door, and opened it, to see Belarus standing there.

"China, you didn't specify a time, so I just came now."

"I never specify a time! And out of all times, why did you choose 3:00 in the F*CKING MORNING!?" China pointed to the sky, which was still dark.

"Don't worry, I brought some coffee."

"Coffee? I don't like that-aru."

"Well, drink some tea or something."

"I think I will get ready, thank you very much." China went upstairs, and he remained up there for 20 minutes. After he came back down, his hair was smoother and less, frizzy, his eyes were less bloodshot, and he had his usual outfit on.

"Okay-aru. Do you want breakfast?"

"Sure. What do you have?"

"Congee. That's what I usually eat"

"You mean that rice soup?"

"Sure, something like that-aru." China went into his kitchen, and fiddled around with the rice cooker. After a few minutes, he grabbed two bowls of the contents of the rice cooker, and gave one to Belarus.

"So, do you just put raw rice in a water boiler?"

"No. You just put a little more water in the rice cooker when you make the rice, not that you are cooking-aru."

"So, you said you would tell me a story or something?"

"Yeah. It's a story based off of my actual history. I actually have an assortment of stories for you, as this one that I am telling is rather long-aru. I'm just going to tell you one of the first parts."

"What's it about?"

"War time and blood, which I am sure that you are interested in!" China smiled as he said that. China invited Belarus to his living room, and they sat down on some chairs.

"Tea?" China had some tea in the living room, and Belarus politely declined.

"So, it's a story about your history?"

"Based off of the events in history. The characters were real, but a bit romanticized. *Ahem*

 **Japan's Place, a little bit before Belarus arrived**

Japan was kneeling at his table, reading over some military maps, wondering if Italy was going to not run away from their next campaign.

"Mr. Honda?" A soldier had walked up to Japan. Japan had looked up to respond to the soldier

"Yes?"

"Our spies have reported that there has been unusual activity to the west."

"To the west? Rike, Britain and France?"

"No, a little close to us."

"You mean, China?"

"Yes." Japan had stood up.

"Werr, what is happening?"

"There has been an unusuar visitor to his house."

"Who?"

"Uh... I berieve, Berarus."

"Berarus? They don't rearry know each other though..."

"Hmm, I berieve that spying on China might revear some questions."

"I see. I wirr reave at 12:00. Take care of Pochi for me, prease." Japan folded up his maps, and left the room.

 **China's place**

"A long time ago, I was not a complete unified land. I was a fractured empire when this story took place-aru. This, is the story of 'The Three Kingdoms.'"."

"Well, go ahead."

"...Well, It was the year 184 AD..."

 _A man named Dong Zhuo was usurping the Han Empire, as he was a greedy man-aru. He took advantage of many things in the empire-aru. He drank and ate all day, he executed people for fun, he had beautiful women kidnapped, and he... I don't need to explain what he did to those women-aru..._

 _Among his employ of ministers, were two people very crucial to the story. One was Wang Yun, and another was Cao Cao-aru. Cao Cao was a cunning, ambitious man, and was very calculating. Wang Yun was a man very discontent with the way the things were running-aru. Well, many people were, but he decided to do some shit about it-aru. You see, he met up with Cao Cao in secret, and they made a plot to assassinate him. You see, Wang Yun plotted the murder of Dong Zhuo with Cao Cao one day, in secret. The Wang clan-_

"Wait, the Wang clan?"

"Yes-aru"

"Are you related to Wang Yun? I mean, Wang Yao and Wang Yun sound very similar."

"Ah, I had never really... I never really considered that. Eitherway..."

 **Outside China's Place**

"Arr right, ret's see what you are up to, China..." Japan was wearing a camouflage ninja outfit with a stealth leaf on. He peeked through the window, to see Belarus and China sitting on a chair. He then saw that China was holding up and assortment of old scrolls.

"Those scrorrs. I recognize those scrorrs. China used to read me that story before. It seems he has found someone else to terr the tare to..." Japan moved in closer, so that he could hear the story. He looked close into the house, and listened to China telling the story to Belarus, wondering why he would tell her of all people

 **China's House**

 _Cao Cao had finally come up with a plan with Yun. He would murder Dong Zhuo in his sleep, but Wang Yun had found a flaw in that plan. You see, Dong Zhuo had taken precautions against these kind of treacheries-aru. Dong Zhuo wore armor underneath his robes that could stop any normal blade. Therefore, Wang Yun had granted Cao Cao a precious heirloom to the Wang family. This was the 7 star dagger, and it was a particularly sharp and strong weapon, potent enough to cut through Dong Zhuo's armor._

 _Cao Cao, being someone in Dong Zhuo's office, was allowed mostly free roam around Dong Zhups quarters-aru. Cao Cao came upon Dong Zhuo sleeping, and brandished the 7 Star Dagger that Wang Yun had granted him. As Cao Cao unsheathed the dagger, the flash from the brilliant blade reflected into the sunlight, and Dong Zhuo woke up-aru. Seeing that he had woken up, Cao Cao kneeled down and hled the dagger in both hands. As so he would not be executed for attempted murder, he feigned kindness, as he presented the dagger as a present to Dong Zhuo. As the dagger was a well known treasure, Dong Zhuo was very pleased with Cao Cao. He congratulated him, and suddenly, Lu Bu had walked into the room._

"Who?"

"Ah, yeah, well, I guess I forgot to explain some of the characters in the story."

 _Lu Bu was the strongest warrior in the land at that time. He had immeasurable skill with archery, melee weapons, and horsemanship. Dong Zhuo had him murder his adoptive father, by bribing him with the position as a general in his army. He also granted Lu Bu one of the most well known horses in China, Red Hare. Lu Bu became Dong Zhuo's adoptive son and bodyguard ever since. Eitherway, Lu Bu walked into the room where it all went down, and Cao Cao left swiftly._

 _Dong Zhuo bragged about Cao Cao giving him the dagger, but Lu Bu quickly explained that Cao Cao must have been attempted to murder Dong Zhuo. Upon hearing this, Dong Zhuo told Lu Bu to gather people to search for Cao Cao. Unfortunately, Cao Cao had ran away, with one of Dong Zhuo's employees, Chen Gong._

 _Hearing about Cao Cao's failed attempt of murder, from one of many wanted posters with Cao Cao's name, Wang Yun devised another plan. He would have his adopted daughter, Diao Chan, seduce both Dong Zhuo and Lu Bu. Seeing as how they would probably compete for Diao Chan's affection, Lu Bu would probably kill Dong Zhuo over it, seeing as how he was rather arrogant._

 _One day, Wang Yun invited Lu Bu over to his house. There, he met Diao Chan. Falling in love with her immediately, Lu Bu asked to marry Diao Chan, and Wang Yun allowed it. What wasn't planned was Diao Chan developing actual feelings for Lu Bu, making their love real. Sadly, Diao Chan had to seduce Dong Zhuo as well, and he was a perv._

"So, is this story going to end soon?"

"It just started..."

"*Sigh* If this is only a part of the story that you are telling, care to tell me the premise?" Belarus looked impatient.

"Fine-aru. It's about Cao Cao and how he becomes a warlord, the fates of Lu Bu, and Dong Zhuo, and the confrontation between Lu Bu and Cao Cao."

"What does this have to do with your eye? Isn't your missing eye the reason why you're telling me this?"

"Not really. We haven't gotten to the part where Xiahou Dun and the other officers come into play. Is this story too long for you?"

"Well, can you just give me a copy of the book? That way I can read it in my spare time."

"Well..." China pondered. "I do have a spare copy of the book in belerusian, but be careful with it. If some of my countrymen find this, they will destroy it."

"Why? It's a f*cking book."

"It's Mao. He is modernizing China, but in the process, he is destroying the ancient history of my people and me*."

"Okay then." China looked to the bookshelf next to him, and took out 3 books that looked similar. He gave them to Belarus, who looked at them with a exasperated face.

"Three volumes!? Is this going to be like Britain's Lord of the Rings!?"

"It's a good read though, so just keep it. Not like I can read belerusian anyways."

"Well, is there any other stories you wanna tell me?"

"Why-aru?"

"This chapter is called 'Story time with China,' and you cut the first story short. You gotta fill in the chapter space."

"Damn. I thought only France and I were aware of the 4th wall-aru... I guess I can tell you this one story..."

"What story is it?" China shifted in his seat for a bit, and started to clear his throat.

"This story is called 'the Butterfly Lovers.'" China was unaware that Japan was spying closer on him.

"So, I presume it's a love story?"

"Yeah-aru. *Ahem!*"

 _This was the Jin Dynasty, the dynasty that preceded the Han. There was a 9th child of a wealthy family, called the Zhu clan. Her name was Zhu Yingtai, and she was the only daughter in her family's generation. She wanted to go to become a scholar, buther father wished against it. However, Yingtai eventually convinced_ _to go, under the guise of a man._

"So it's pretty much Mulan, just no war."

"You know what Mulan is now?"

"I had America show me the movie after the martial arts thing."

"Ah..."

 _Yingtai goes to a university far away from home, and meets a man named Liang Shanbo. They start talking, and develop an affinity for each other. Over the next three years, Yingtai falls in love with Shanbo, but he is oblivious to the fact that Yingtai is a woman. Eventually, Yingtai received a letter from her father, asking her to return home. Yingtai wishes to profess her love to Shanbo, but doesn't have the courage. She bids him farewell, but Shanbo wished to see her off before she left._

 _Still oblivious the the fact that Yingtai was a woman, and that she loved him, Shanbo accompanied Yingtai 18 miles closer to her home. Yingtai eventually got the idea of playing 'Matchmaker.'_

"Matchmaker?"

"That was a thing in my day-aru. Someone whose job it was to get people to be married.

 _Yingtai said that Shanbo should visit her house sometime, so that he could marry her 'sister.' In reality, as an only daughter, she had no sister. As they bid farewell, Yingtai went home, while Shanbo went back to the university._

 _Months later, Shanbo visited the Zhu household, and asked to see where Yingtai's sister was. He discovered that Yingtai was, in actuality, a woman. Upon knowing this, Shanbo immediately fell in love with Yingtai, and asked to marry her. Things seemed to be going their way, until Yingtai's father stepped in. Yingtai's father had arranged Yingtai to be married to the son of another wealthy family, and Shanbo couldn't be together. Shanbo left in despair and sadness, and eventually found a job as a county magistrate. However, he found no joy in this new job, and eventually succumbed his life to sickness._

 _The place where he was buried happened to be on the path to where Yingtai headed towards for her wedding. Upon seeing Shanbo's grave, she broke down immedately, and sobbed next to his grave. As there was a thunderstorm going on, a bit of the storm hit Shanbo's grave, opening it up._

 _In her despair, and her desire to be with Shanbo again, Yingtai threw herself into the grave. After she did this, the storm cleared up. and 2 butterflies emerged from the grave. The butterflies were the spirits of Yingtai and Shanbo, never to be seperated again._

"Wait, their spirits turned into butterflies?"

"Yeah. It's one of my favorite stories. Did you like it?"

"...Yeah, I loved it... I hope that Russia and I can have a love like that..." Belarus zoned out, while China looked at her.

"You know, whether or not you get Russia to love you, that kind of love is one that seldom appears-aru"

"How do you know?"

"...Let's just say, I have had my heartbroken on several occasions." China feigned a smile as he said that, but Belarus saw through it.

"Is that why you smile all the time? To hide that pain?"

"I'm- I don't have any pain-aru!" China stood up. "I'm a strong nation! I have grown- I have become resistant to pain!"

"...What about your siblings leaving you?"

"What?" China looked at Belarus, who seemed to break her stone cold face for once. It was replaced by a look of understanding.

"I know how you feel. Your siblings leaving you one by one, just like how mine grow scared of me, and alienate themselves from me, one by one..."

"...*Sniff* Aiyaa..." China's soft voice rang, as he walked towards Belarus. He began to move his arms around her, eventually embracing Belarus in a hug.

"I guess we're not alone anymore, huh?" China chuckled slightly, while Belarus hugged him back, in pure silence. "Haven't hugged anyone I actually... I guess, cared for, in a while... Feels good..." Belarus broke her silence by responding.

"...Yeah, it does." While they hugged, Japan looked from out the window. Feeling a bit sorry for China, and unexpectedly a bit for Belarus, Japan decided to leave them alon,e and return to his own land. As he walked towards the border, and took the boat back home, his soldiers began talking to him.

"Should we commence the attack now? He seems to not be responding to any of our movements."

"...No. We're going home."

"What?"

"We'rr attack tomorrow. Just- today is a bad time..." Japan's boat took off for Japan, leaving China and Belarus to their peace for today.

* * *

*When Mao began the 'Great Leap Forward,' which was the modernization of China, many people destroyed ancient Chinese relics and pieces of China's ancient history. Vases, paintings, old books and stories; nothing was spared.

 **Sorry about the seriousness in the chapter! I know it's a humor fic, but I just needed a quick change in tone. We'll get straight to the funny in the next chapter!**


	9. Belarus' New Opium Den!

**Sorry about the long wait! Haven;t been able to update for a month and a half after school started! So the quality of the chapters might not be as well thought out! Anyways, enjoy the late chapter!**

* * *

"*Yawn* Oh... I need some food..." China stood up in his bed, stretching his arms. He got off of the bed, and put an eyepatch over his missing eye. He ruffled his messy hair, and smelled his breath, recoiling at the smell

"Geez, I should see someone about this..." China opened a closet, and put on his usual clothes. He walked into a bathroom, and came out after a few minutes, with fresh teeth and combed hair. He walked downstairs into the kitchen.

"Hmm... I wonder what there is for breakfast-aru..."

"Oh, I made cereal."

"Hm? Oh, thanks Belarus. Say, where did you... Get... Cereal... Belarus?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you in my house-aru!" China looked at Belarus, who was sitting on the breakfast table, eating cereal and milk.

"Well, remember last night? When I came over?"

"...Oh God, what did I do!?"

"Ew. Nothing, thank God. I just slept in your guest room."

"Guest room-aru? I don't have a guest room..."

"Huh. I was wondering why there were a bunch of clothes in there. Might have been your walk in closet. I thought only girls have that..."

"Just- where's the cereal?"

"Oh. There's some on the table. I made it for you already." China walked to the marble counter, which had a bowl of cereal with milk on it. To his dismay, the bowl was spouting flames that reached up to China's head.

"Belarus!?"

"What?"

"The cereals on f*cking fire-aru!"

"So?"

"You can't pour cereal!?"

"Eh..." Belarus took a sip of her cereal, which had no fire.

"Why is your cereal not on fire!?"

"It dies down after a while, I guess. How's the eye?" China moved his hand across his eyepatch.

"It's good, I guess. I still need to get someone to fix that-aru."

"Hmm... How about you just get a plastic eye?"

"What? No, I can't do that! What if it falls out!?"

"Eh..." Belarus finished her cereal, while she watched China try to put out the fire in his cereal.

"How did you set fire to the cereal-aru!? It's literally 50% milk! 50% liquid!"

"I did worse with Hong Kong's harbor..."

"Geez. At least you're not like Bri...tain..."

"...What?"

"That's it! I can get Britain to help-aru!"

"Wait, you don't have a phone, right?"

"So? Just watch!" China walked to his front door, opening it.

"*Ahem!* BRITAIN! BRITAIN!" There was a silence, followed by more yelling.

"WHAT!? I'M KIND OF BUSY RIGHT NOW!"

"GET OVER HERE-ARU!"

"WHAT HAPPENED!? DID YOU BREAK YOUR SPINE DOING TAI CHI AGAIN?!"

"JUST F*CKING COME! *Ahem!* He should be here soon." China walked back inside, and sat down next to Belarus.

"Don't you have a better system for contacting people?"

"I'm not wasting money on phone bill-aru. Besides, it excersizes vocal cords!"

"Right. Well, you gonna eat your cereal?"

"Sure, as soon as the fire dies down."

*Ding Dong!*

"Huh. Britain's that fast, huh?" China opened the door, to see not Britain, but a mailman.

"Package for Mr..." He checks the letter he held in his hand. "...Mr. Wang? Yao Wang?"

"That's me-aru."

"Sign here." The man handed him a clipboard, while China took the letter. I'm not sure if that's how mailing letters work, I don't even get e-mails from people. It's pretty depressing sometimes.

"Hm..." China went inside, and opened it. "From Britain-aru..."

 _China,_

 _I am in a rather inconvenient position to come over right now. My house has currently been demolished, and I am trying my hardest to tidy up. I'm sorry to say, but it would be great if you came over._

 _-Britain_

 _P.S.: Get a f*cking phone!_

"Get phone my ass-aru... I wonder what destroyed his house? Hmm..." China looked up to Belarus, who was drinking her cereal out of the bowl.

"...Yeah?"

"Are you finished with the cereal-aru?"

"Not really. Besides, I gotta clean up the room I slept in."

"Er, sure-aru. It can't be that bad though, right-aru?"

"Eh, long story short; Never mix wine with one of your radios."

"I always do that-aru!"

"Really? Well, in that case, never do that while-"

"Look-aru. Can you just watch over the house for me? I need to see Britain immediately."

"Sure. When are you coming back then?"

"I'll text you about it, I guess. Although last time I texted, I just stole some other guy's phone."

"Okay then... Bye, I guess?"

"Yeah. See you later-aru." China walked out of the door, leaving Belarus all alone in the house. She was about to finish her cereal, but the door opened slightly. China poked his head in.

"And one more thing..."

"Yeah?"

"If you go downstairs-aru..." China's voice turned very serious. "Don't go into the last door on the left..." China slowly pulled his head back out the door, and closed it. Belarus, who really didn't pay attention to half of the stuff China said, didn't hear to much of it.

"...What? Eh, I'll figure it out eventually." Belarus finished her cereal, put it into the sink, and went upstairs.

"Well, home's alone, and I don't have to take care of any babies. Let's see what China has in his house..." Belarus opened the door to China's bathroom, and walked in.

"Boring..." She looked inside the sink cupboard. "Boring..." She looked behind the toilet.

"Bori- Ohh... Is that... Is that a... Ew." Belarus walked out of the bathroom, and went into China's bedroom.

"Hmm..." Belarus looked inside the wardrobe, and the drawers, and found nothing. "Uh... Maybe he's just boring... Belarus looked under the bed, and widened her eyes.

"Oh, hello there..." Belarus reached under China's bed, and pulled out what appeared to be a book. She opened it to the first page, and started reading.

"Hm... Oh... Okay, it's a girl... Oh, nevermind, it's a dude in a dress... Oh, he's bold, doing that in a school bathroom... Are those girls? Waitaminute, do they have peni..." Belarus closed her eyes, closed the book, and slid it underneath the bed, where she found it.

"Welp, I guess I'm not going into this room anytime soon..." Belarus went downstairs, and into the basement. She went to the first door on the right, and discovered that it was a boiler room. Next door to the left was just a laundry area. Next one to the right was the classroom. The only door left was the one on the left, where China told her not to go to.

"...Hmm... What did China say about this door? Eh, f*ck it, I'm not going to listen anyways..." Belarus opened her eyes, and was hit in the face with an overwelming smell.

"*Sniff Sniff!* Oh, geez! What does China keep in here?" Belarus tried to make out the contents of the room, but only saw smoke. She coughed, and felt dizzy, as she walked around the room. She eventually found what appeared to be a strangely shaped fire lamp, and a match. She lit the lamp, which had what appeared to contain black powder, and the room was more lit up.

"...What... What the hell... I can't... Oh..."

 **Great Britain**

"America! America, that's not a toy!"

"So? It can be!"

"But it's NOT! Not in this house!"

"More like ze remains of _le maison_..."

"I don't need you making comments France!" As France, America, and Britain argued, Canada was off to the side, sweeping up all of the rubble caused by the explosion.

"Hey...Hey guys?"

"Well, at least _ma maison est beux_ enough to not 'ave God will it's destruction!"

"What did you say!?"

"You know what I said!"

"No, I mean I don't understand french."

"Guys?"

"Iggy, what about all that left over money from you old empire?"

"The empire is still in effect! It's just not as strong as it was when you were one of my colonies!"

"GUYS!" The three bickering nations turnede to Canada, who chuckled nervously. "Heh...Sorry... Eitherway, do you mind if you can help me with this?"

"Eh, sure..."

"Hm... Eitherway, I sent China a letter, telling him to come over. Perhaps he'll help..."

" _Quoi? Porquoi?_ "

"Pardon?" America, instead of Canada, answered.

"He said 'What? Why?'." The three stared at America.

"You learned french?"

"Well, when Spain taught me, the words sound pretty similar to french... You live right next to these people, don't you have a dictionary or something?"

"Never bothered to learn. Eitherway, China's not doing alot at home, remember?"

"Yeah, about that..." France spoke up. "Per'aps _tu_ forgot about Belarus, _oui_?"

"Oh, shit! The eye!" America grabbed France and went further away from Canada and Britain.

" _Merde_! Watch ze 'air!"

"You think China's still pissed at us?"

"What? _Por-_ Oh... Ze eye..."

"Well, let's hope he's cooled over by then..."

"I wouldn't mind 'im on my ass..."

"France! I'm serious! And I'm America; This is serious if I'm serious..."

"Yeah... We should get to cleaning, huh?"

"*Grumbles* Yeah..." America and France walked back, and grabbed a broom each, starting to sweep the floors of rubble.

 **China's Basement, Far Door to the Left**

"Geez, I just passed out, didn't I?" Belarus got off of the floor, rubbing her eyes and dusting off her clothes. She undid one of her bows, and tied it around her mouth and nose as a mask. She held her hands out in front of her, and eventually found a window.

"Oh, thank God. Let's see if I can open it...Oh, it's so rusty! How old's this room?" Belarus, after much creaking and effort, opened the window, and fanned all the fumes out of the basement. After the stuff cleared out, Belarus rubbed her eyes to make sure she was seing correctly.

"Is this... No, I thought China gave up on this stuff a while ago..." Belarus walked circles within the newly discovered room, taking note of everything. The walls, red with gold dragon designs, with couches, ottomans, and all sorts of furniture. There were opened chests full of pipes, lighters, and cloth bags. Belarus took a bag, and opened it.

"*Sniff Sniff!* Well... Hello opium..." Belarus checked her pockets for her phone, so she could take a picture and blackmail China with it. However, all she found was her wallet. She took it out, and opened it, to see only nothing in it.

"...Hmm..." Belarus looked at the wallet, then to the opium, then to the room surrounding her.

"As long as China's gone, he wouldn't mind... Well, he would, but I don't give a shit..."

 **Britain's House**

*Vroom!* *Screech!* *Sounds of car parking!*

"Aiyaah... It's really bad-aru..." China parked his car in front of the remains of Britain's house. He stepped out of the car, bringing a pistol just in case the people who did this were still here. He slowly walked into the remains of the house, to see 3 human figures and a floating bear holding what appeared to China as guns. China snuck up behind them, and held out his gun.

"Freeze-aru!" The FACE family quickly turned to China, brandishing their brooms in defence. Well, Britain anyways. America dropped his, France surrendered, and Canada just didn't care.

"China! Thank God you're here."

"What happened to this place-aru... It looks like America dropped bomb on here..."

"Well, actually, it was Germany and his-HOLY SHIT!" Britain jumped, pointing at the eyepatch on China's face. Canada simply widened his eyes at China's eyepatch, while France and America shrinked slightly.

"Well, about that, I needed you to do your... 'Stuff'... For it."

"What..." Canada spoke up. "What happened?"

"Well, magical talking polar bear..."

"Oh for fu-"

"It was the Fatass and the Frog who poked out my eye."

"Hey! It was Belarus, technically!"

"Yeah! She was ze one who was doing acupuncture!"

"Acupuncture?" Britain looked at the eyepatch once more. "I knew those needles are no good..."

"Well, nevermind that. I want two things from you-aru."

"Not really in the mood, or the position, for this, but go on." China stuck out a finger for each thing he listed.

" _Yi_! I want you to hurt France and America."

"Done."

"Hey!"

" _Er!_ I want you to help me restore the eye! _San!_ I want to see how much a phone bill costs-aru!"

"Phone bill? Oh yeah, the yelling and stuff..."

"So, if I help you clean up, can you help me out here-aru?"

"Yeah, sure, I guess..."

"Great-aru!" China beamed at Canada. "Mr. Polar Bear?"

"*Sigh...* Yes, China?"

"Hand the your broom, please. It is much too large for you-aru." Canada gave China the broom, while China petted Kumajiro on the head. Kumajiro turned to Canada.

"I like him..."

"What? Why?"

"He has a certain air of friendliness. Not that you don't have one, Carl..."

"Carl?"

"...But it's like he also lives with bears."

"Okay-aru! Stand back, everyone!" The other nations did as China said, as China started spinning the broom in the air. He swiped it around him, cleaning and fixing every single broken thing in one move. Every vase and table, repaired. The foundation, walls, and every nook of the house was comppletely completed. China agave the broom back to Canada (Well, Kumajiro, really) And turned to Britain.

"So. The eye-aru?"

"How did you... Never in my life... Is that physically... What?"

"Years of watching over more than 4 kids, Chinese New Year's cleaning, and general clean freakness. Now, about the eye..."

"Oh, yes, well, if the house is completely fixed... For some reason-"

"To move _le_ plot forward."

"Yes, thank you, France! As I was saying, if it's completely fixed, come down to the basement." Britain took China down into his basement, leaving France and America alone.

"...Plot reasons?"

"Well, we can't bring in contracters and construction people into ze fanfic. The thing's long enough, no?"

 **China's House**

"So, we can have this little entrance built into the basement window," Belarus said, inside of the opium den. "Attaching a trap door of sorts."

"Will the den have, like, all sorts of women?" Hong Kong measured the window's length and height with some tape measure, recording it down on a scrap piece of paper.

"Wait what?"

"I mean, I'm surrounded by Asian girls, and being a colony of Britain, white girls are pretty common too. Will there be black girls?" Hong Kong said this straight faced to Belarus, who also kept a deadpan face.

"It's an opium den. Not a brothel..."

"Just wanted to see... I mean, with the flat chested rep asian girls get..."

"You... Are a strange... And horny... Asian..."

"Not really horny. Just curious. I've always heard they're well endowed, and that goes for the men too, if you're interested..."

"...Do you want to help me with this or not?"

"Alright, fine. So, how're we going to, like, advertise this?"

"Advertise?"

"Well, you see," Hong Kong began. "Opium dens aren't really common anymore. It died out around the World Wars, pretty much. And it's more illegal than ever, so..."

"Hey. It's Belarus you're talking to. I know what I'm doing..." Belarus took out a phone, while Hong Kong talked to her.

"You know, when you called me over about needing some 'special assistance,' I really thought that you meant something else..."

"Ew, just shush. Hello?" Belarus talked into the phone. "Yeah. Oh, Vatican! Sorry to bother you, but is Romano there?"

"Wait, you're calling Romano!?"

"Shush! Yeah? Romano? Yeah... About that... I was kind of in a rush... You know, I have enough knowledge of italian to know when you're saying 'f*ck you,' to me. Eitherway, you know Mussolini and his thing with the mafia? Yeah, I have a little proposition for you..."

 **Britain's Basement**

"Alright, you are one of the few to know this secret..." Britain and China walked downstairs, into a room with stone walls. There were tables and chairs with books, scrolls, scriptures, and all sorts of things on them. There was also a cauldron, a staff in the corner, candles, and a pentagram in the middle of the room.

"Aiyaah... I won't tell anyone else... By the way, who else knows about my secret?"

"Well..." Britain counted off with his fingers. "You, India, Russia, Japan, Romania, Norway-"

"Wait, Romania? You mean that vampire guy?"

"Yeah, pretty much... Eitherway, you just want a regular new eye?"

"Yes-aru."

"No new colors?"

"No!"

"No cool shapes. Like Ciel from Black Butler?"

"No-aru! And that anime hasn't been made yet!"

"Fine, just a regular old eye for you then..."

"What about you-aru!?" China pointed to Britain's eye. "In your days as a pirate, you wore an eyepatch!"

"Not because I lost an eye, ninny. It was so I could see better in the dark*."

"Wait, what? Nevermind, I just want the eye."

"Alright." Britain grabbed a book off of a table, and flipped through the pages.

"Let's see here... Affect luck, Curse, Aunt Jemimah pancakes, ah! Here!" Britain laid the book down on a stand, so that both he and China could read it.

"Hm... Britain..."

"Yeah?"

"This ain't english-aru..."

"Oh! This is Theban**.Ahem!* It says we need part of your essence, some eye of koi fish, yew wood wand with amethyst point-"

"Look-aru. I don't need to know what you have to do. Just get the things together."

"Alright then. Stand in the middle of the pentacle." China reluctantly walked to the centre of the pentacle, sitting down criss cross. He watched Britain race around the room, picking up a wand, some water, what appeared to be an eye shaped glass, and a bunch of other stuff.

"Okay then. Take off the eyepatch." China moved his hands behind his head, undtying the eyepatch. As it fell to the floor, Britain almost lept.

"What?"

"It's just that, it looks so weird! It looks like a compact vagi-"

"JUST GET ME THE EYE-ARU!"

"Alright, alright!" Britain held up the wand, pointing towards China. "Now... Hold still..."

 **China's Opium Den**

"Wait, so you want me," Romano said, leaning against a wall, to Belarus, "To help you make a drug den?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Hong Kong said. As he said that, Romano turned to him.

"Very well. I'll-a help. But on one condition!"

"And that would be?" Belarus said.

"He!" Romano pointed at Hong Kong. "Needs to-a stop making fake-a Gucci bags!"

"Done. Let's get down to business."

"Wait, what!? That's most of my income! The rest goes to Britain!"

"Well, find another thing to rip off. I hear Japan's new NES is pretty fun."

"Alright," Belarus took out a piece of paper, which was an old english picture of an old Opium Den. It was a black and white photograph of men and women, lying on floors and low couches. "Suppose that we build this den, and we get enough people to come. How're we going to get by China's law enforcment?"

"I can help with that," Said Hong Kong, who was doing some formulae math on a sheet of paper. "I know my way around China's guys..."

 **Britain's Basement**

"Alright now..." Britain stood over China, who was lying down on the floor. "...Wakey wakey, China..." Britain smiled, as China slowly got up.

"Oh... Did I... Did I collapse-aru?"

"Yeah. You see, the mixture of the nightshade poison, and the shock from the charged amber knocked you out. With you unconcious, the spell wouldn't work. Therefore, I had to do the next best thing..."

"Which was?"

"I took a leftover eye from when I stabbed it out of someone, and just popped into the socket.

"WHAT-ARU?!" China got up, and grabbed Britain's throat. "You put another person's eye in my socket!?"

"Oi! If it makes you feel better, it was a chinaman's eye! And it was the exact same as your other eye! Trust me, I took the other one out and examined it!"

"What?! That's no better-aru! *Sighs* Well, at least..." China grabbed a black, shiny bowl on a table, and looked at his reflection. "At least it matches... I need to go home-aru. I don't know what kind of shit's going on there..." China walked upstairs, where he saw America and France sitting on Britain's couch, with a floating bear next to them.

"Oh, one more thing-aru. Mr. Bear?"

"Yes?" It was actually Kumajiro who spoke, instead of Canada, who was just checking his phone.

"Please kick these two idiots for me please." China left out Britain's door, while Kumajiro lifted his claws towards America and France. As he heard screams and reprimands, China got into his car, and started driving to his house.

"Hm... It's rather quiet-aru... How about some radio?" China flicked a switch, and music started playing from the radio. "Patsy Cline, The Beatles, Ray Charles, news about opium den, Ooh! Snoop Dogg-aru...Wait..." China flicked another switch, and a tinny voice spoke

" _After an investigation, an opium den has been discovered in the home of Mr. Wang Yao. He is currently not at home, but we are investigating 3 people at the den. One is a cantonese teenager, another is an italian young adult, and the third is an east european lady. They are both suspected of-_ "

*SMASH!*

China took his fist out of the car radio, and stomped on the gas pedal, not saying a word.

 **China's House**

"Hey! Get those-a cameras outta my face!" Romano flipped off cameras that surrounded him, Hong Kong, and Belarus. Hong Kong simply shrunk behind Romano, while Belarus answered the questions being asked at her by the police.

"Ms., what were you trying to do?"

"I was trying to run a simple western pharmacy. Nothing more."

"Hmm... This doesn't seem like the kind of place you would do so at. Especially in the basement."

"That," Belarus said, quite convincingly. "Was where we were making the medicine."

"If that's so-"

*SCREECH!*

China got out of his car, parked behind the cameraman and the police.

"What's going on, Belarus!?"

"China!" Belarus ran up to China, and faced away from the police.

"Ai! What?"

"It's like... I'll explain after. For now, I'm attempting to open a western medicine pharmacy." Belarus turned to the police again. "Here's my friend, Mr. Wang, who allowed us the use of his basement." A policeman turned to China, who smiled and waved nervously.

"Mr. Wang," He began. " Did you agree to the use of your basement for what they were doing?"

"Er... Yes-aru. I completely consented to it."

"Did you know that one of the ingredients in their 'pharmacy,' was opium?" He held up a plastic bag full of opium, while China examined it.

"Hmm...Aru..." China slowly took the bag, and examined it. "Dear cop, this is nothing-aru!"

"What do you mean? It's obviously opium!"

"No, I mean, so what if opium is ingredient in medicine? This is tame, considering some things that the west uses. Have you heard about Iodine medicine? Or cocaine drops***?"

"Er... No?"

"Drugs are dosed in extremely small proportions, that not only mixed with the other components, treat the person. They also help build up resistance. If you ask me, this seems perfectly normal-aru..."

"Hm... Very well. But if we suspect any funny business," The man leaned in close towards a recoiling China. "We will find you... Come on boys! They're clean... For now..." The cops all went into a car, and started driving away. China turned to Belarus, Romano, and Hong Kong, who fidgeted a bit.

"Now... As for you-aru..."

 **5 Minutes Later**

"Aiyaah... Belarus, I specifically told you, not to go to room on left!"

"Well, you should have locked it."

"Grr..." China examined the opium den, noting how Romano, Hong Kong, and Belarus restored it. The walls were painted into a fresh red, and new furniture was placed around the room. There were jars of opium and pipes on every table, and there was a trap door leading out of the window.

"...You know, we can-a explain..."

"Well, you three can explain after I ask a few questions. _Yi!_ Why did you decide to start another opium den? _Er_! Why did you get Hong Kong and, out of all people, Romano into this? _Sa-_ "

"Look. I was running out of money. The whole union is, and I thought that if you and Britain monopolized a profit on this, maybe I'd make some money off of it too. And they're here because... Well... Hong Kong has former experience with opium deals, and he knows how things work in Asia as well. And Romano's here because his knowledge of the underworld's just as good as Hong Kong, and he has more ties around the world."

"Okay, but opening an opium den is one of the stupidest things you can do-aru!"

"How come you're against the opium den?" Hong Kong spoke up. "Didn't you, like, have a million of them before?"

"Aiyaah... Well, that was when you were too young to understand. A war between us and Britain was devastating enough. I don't need another opium wars, especially in the midst of a World War."

"Hmm...Well, how about-a this." Romano took out a map. "We spllit the cuts for the opium, by-a four ways. 25% each-a. And instead of in your crappy basement-"

"Hey!"

"We'll go-a here!" Romano pointed to a spot on the map. It was in the slums of a city.

"Hm... I still don't know-aru..."

"China. Weren't you having a funding issue? Your military's not doing too well, I heard. Didn't you have a regiment with only swords?"

"Hm... Good point... Alright then. Just one more time then?"

"Sounds good." Belarus grabbed a few boxes, and a few pipes. "Let's get packing.

 **4 Hours Later**

"Now just-a wait for a second!" Romano said, in the back seat of China's car. "It takes-a 4 hours for you to-a get to a city inside-a your territory, but when you-a go to the eyebrow man's-a house and back, it takes just-a enough for Belarus to find-a some room in your basement?"

"The magic of fanfiction plots." Hong Kong murmered, texting on his phone. "So, where's this place, Romano?"

"I drove-a by it when I came here. It's in a slum. It's-a just an old an abandoned-a warehouse."

"Alright then." Belarus looked out of the window, zoning out. "So, Romano. How dd you advertise the den?"

"Well, I'll explain when we-a get the-"

"We're here-aru." China stopped the car, and stepped out with the other three. The streets of the city were empty, and the buildings were either run down, bland, or both.

"There." Romano pointed at a gray garage door, with bird shit on it.

"Hmm... Well, compared to the other buildings here-aru..." China looked around the area. There was graffiti and broken glass everywhere. "...It seems to be safe..."

"Come on." Belarus opened the trunk of the car, and picked up a box. "Let's get to work. Kong, open the door."

"Yeah, I kinda need the key for the lock..."

"Oh, here. You need to-a put the key into the handle lock-a." Hong Kong took the key, and put it in the lock. He opened the lock, and lifted up the metal door. As China and Romano grabbed boxes, they looked at the inside of the warehouse. It was old and dingy. The insides were gray, and there were cracks on the walls and floor. The only lighting was a single, broken light from the ceiling, and it smelt of old cheese.

"Alright, seems pretty manageable. You got the paint?" Hong Kong turned to Belarus, who put down the box. In it were paint cans, brushes, paintings, and all sorts of decor. As Romano and China hrabbed the rest of the boxes, Belarus looked around.

"Hm... China, how much experience did you have with this opium stuff?"

"I pretty much invented it-aru!"

"Good. I guess you're going to teach me some stuff after all."

* * *

*Some seamen back then wore eyepatches, but not because they lost their eyes. They would wear the eyepatch over one eye, and when they go down to a dark part of the ship, they would take it off. It's an optical trick that allows them to see better in the dark

**Theban is an alphabet that used to be used by witches to protect their writings from being discovered by Christians. Due to this, it has become known as the 'Witch Language.' It's just an alphabet different from the latin alphabet, so there's no language for Theban. I'm actually memorizing Theban! Just a fun fact!

*** Look up 'cocaine drops' on google. Medicine back then was a bit less subtle. I'm also pretty sure that I heard something about dog droppings being used as lozenges, and ingesting silver for something.


End file.
